Topics George W. Bush Will Discuss at the Get Motivated! Business Seminar in San Antonio
By Luis Prada
Former President and perennial bed wetter George W. Bush will be the headlining speaker at the Get Motivated! Business seminar on December 2nd where, according to the picture above, he will be performing alongside a clown of some sort.
Funny Crave may be a few days late in the reporting of this news item, but for good reason. We at Funny Crave have obtained a list of topics that our former president will touch upon in his speech – a speech that will surely invigorate minds, stir souls, and move bowls.
We should state that this list has yet to be finalized, but we have been assured that most of these topics will be discussed and interwoven in to an elegantly woven cloth of oratory brilliance that will surely motivate you to take on jobs that you are in no way qualified for, nor will you be able handle the weight of.
1) Prayer: How to ask God to make all of your problems go away
2) How to ruin everything you touch and still become the leader of the free world
3) The importance of keeping your evil lair nice and tidy
4) How to get an entire nation of mouth breathers to ignore facts, demonstrated through the art of balloon animal making
5) Pretzels, Evil or Super Evil?
6) Reading, ain’t it hard, yall?
7) Why the environment can suck it (musical accompaniment by Brooks and Dunn!)
8) Why American flag lapel pins are just as important as the constitution, freedom, liberty, and freedom
9) How to give your robot wife that almost-human look
10) The importance of metaphorical territorial pissing, a demonstration involving real territorial pissing
11) How to feign interest in the opinion of others
12) Power ties: Fuck yes!
13) 17 ways to lie to yourself when you see yourself burned in effigy
14) How to unwind and relax in the midst of a worldwide collapse of everything, from the economy to human intelligence
15) 5 facial creams that make you look more patriotic!
16) How to market yourself to real Americans, a live jug band performance with special guest appearance by an AR-15
17) How to properly report suspicious brown people without looking like a bigot
18) What is a bigot, anyway? No, Seriously.
19) Self-motivation through silent sobbing
20) How being born in Connecticut can make you a cowboy
