TLC’s Insane Love for Little People

Last week we told you about the New York Towers, a basketball team from New York made up entirely of little people.  The significant aspect of the story was that they challenged a dude who has a show on TLC; Little People, Big World.  The entire purpose of this show is to let audiences view a family where some of its members are small.  That’s it.  They have no difference from a bajillion other people, other than mom, dad and one of their kids is short.  This is not unlike putting a black family on TV and explicitly stating it’s because they’re black.  In the 1930’s, this would have had to have been done in a zoo.

TLC also features a show called the Little Couple.  Guess what it’s about.  Somehow become retroactive in its scope, rather than focus on a whole family, this one is just about a couple.  Two little people.  They are alive and they are little and they are a couple and that’s a fucking show.

And last night, while channel surfing during commercials that were on during Constantine, I discovered… Little Chocolatiers.  I nearly shit and punched my TV.  Like in the same motion.  It probably would have made me sleepy, or pulled a muscle, but it would have been worth it.

I wish I was creative enough to have made that up.  I wish it.  I wish I could have sat down and thought of this article yesterday, an article to mock TLC’s inexplicably and near brain-shattering obsession with dwarfism, and made a joke about how they should just make a show about midget chocolatiers but the fuckers beat me to it.

There are few words that even begin to approach the total lack of understanding I, and audiences around the country, feel when confronted by the knowledge that somewhere at TLC, high up in the executive ranks, is some completely loopy, drug-addled, madly insane son-of-a-bitch with such an intense midget fetish that this network now, literally, has three entire television series’ devoted to them.  What possible motivation could there be for making a show about people who make chocolate who are also short?  What horrible solvents are wafting through the air ducts at TLC headquarters?  If this isn’t the result of brain parasites I’ll eat my hat.

We can only assume their creative meetings are bizarre, primitive, orgy-like experiences that take place in back alleys or deep in a sub-basement where the assorted helmet-wearing writers eat raw meat and scream whenever startled by loud noises as they stare in awe at families with more than 4 children and anyone shorter than a bar stool, the only two things that seem to keep this network going.  God forbid anyone ever expose the TLC crew to a one-eyed cheesemaker or a club-footed lesbian who knits sweaters lest the new fall schedule be graced with Squinty and the Brie or Muff N Stumble Afghan Shack.

With all of this in mind, I feel it’s time I did do something creative and start pitching show ideas to TLC because nothing I say can fall under the realm of unreasonable.  You literally can’t think up stupider ideas than what TLC already puts on TV.  So let’s give it a try;

The Little Sex Offender

What Not to Wear to a Donkey Show

The Little Sweat Shop

Little Pimp

Little Man vs Big Man – Death Match X-Treem!

19 Percocets and Counting

French Kissing the Basset Hound

6 Little People in a Suitcase

The Littlest Colonoscopy

John & Kate Plus a Midget

Sound good, TLC?  Write me and we can strike up a deal.