Tiny Swiss Condoms for Tweens

The title of this article reads like the header of spam email sent out en masse from some 3^rd world repository of knock off Viagra and porn featuring amputee girls who still need to support their drunken parents.  God how I wish I could write more about that, but I’m trying to stay current, so we’re stuck with Swiss jimmy hats for the Pokemon set.  Is it as disturbing as it sounds?  To everyone not required by law to stay 300 yards from schools it is.

Anyway, turns out the Swedes love to hump.  And not just those Nordic types you see in your fisting porn, but like the whole population.  Apparently there’s just a huge issue with kids having sex, like as young as 12.  Rather than attempting to take any kind of stance on this issue, one condom company figured that was a niche market that needed to be served.  Which I guess is a stance, but whatever.  So they started producing little condoms, because the standard rubber is just too much for people who ride bikes to school.

The condom is called the Hot Shot, because if you’re going to go to hell, it better be on the back of a product that would have had a cool name back in 1978, but that still remains cool in most of Europe where their quaint timelessness allows them to constantly be 50% ahead of North America and 50% desperately behind at all times.

For those interested, a regular condom is 5.2 centimeters in diameter, the Hotshot is 4.5 cm.  See that?  Centimeters.  Ha, you crazy Euros.  The length has changed any, they’re just skinnier.  We have to assume there was a contingent of 13 year olds out there bitching about how condom-makers are prejudiced against pencil dicks or something.  Honestly, its hard to speculate about anything in this awful story without feeling like Chris Hansen is waiting around the corner.

Now you could argue that obviously if kids are having sex they need to use protection and that’s probably a better plan than facing a world full of Swiss herpes cases, but there’s just something abhorrent about tailoring them to children.  All I can picture are toddlers in tiny suits with little guns and little whores in little fishnets.  Someday that sentence will come back to haunt me.

If you find out kids are smoking, you don’t necessarily have to make fruit-flavored wacky cigarettes with SpongeBob filters.  Dealers don’t usually give away balloons with every nickelbag if they discover kids love the reefer.  If your child has a penchant for Scotch and the films of David Lynch, you don’t get him a sippy cup of Glenfiddich and a Veggie Tales interpretation of Eraserhead (which would probably be the most fucking awesome thing ever).  If kids want to do shit generally reserved for adults, they need to adapt to the adult world, man.  That’s how our generation did it.  We just slapped a hair elastic around the base of the condom so it wouldn’t wind sock off of us and drank our whisky through a straw the way God intended.  Today’s Swiss kids are soft.  That wasn’t a pun.