Tillikum, The Murderous Whale
By Luis Prada
Tillikum is a killer whale at SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida. Tillikum has done some bad things. Tillikum is…a murderer. The proof is in the pudding and the pudding is made of blood. It’s a blood pudding…but with a nice topping of light and fluffy murder plopped on it.
Yesterday, Tillikum killed a trainer by the name of Dawn Brancheau by grabbing her ponytail and dragging her down in to the water. Funny Crave would like to extend our deepest sympathies to the Brancheau family and everyone at SeaWorld. But, Tillikum? Fuck you, man. You’ve killed too many humans for your actions to simply be considered “accidents.” No less than three – count’em, THREE – humans have either been found dead in your tank, or were killed by you. This isn’t a series of unfortunate accidents, this is murder. You’re a killer whale; we should have seen this coming.
You’re a danger to society, Tillikum. We just hope you never grow opposable thumbs, because then all humanity would be fucked. The next time you jumped out of the water way up high to touch your nose on that orange ball they dangle above your tank, there’s a very good chance that, if you manage to grow opposable thumbs, there might be an AK-47 in your inky black fins. Dozens of humans either killed or injured because you decided to grow thumbs, and because you knew a guy who knew a guy that could get you an AK. You know, if you were a human in the circus, you would have been given a life sentence long ago.
Do you have accomplices? A dolphin with a getaway car? A seal with schematics? Maybe a Walrus with an eye patch that speaks in a German accent that knows 18,000 ways to torture a man with his whiskers? You couldn’t have acted alone, whale. What else are you planning? Human genocide? A grand heist? Are you considered a radical in the whale world? The type that will blowup an aquarium just to make a point? You’re sick! I can’t believe you’re the type of whale that would do the types of things that I just made up! Fuck you. You suck.
Monday, March 1, 2010 4:46PM
Yah I would have to agree. This was the opposite of funny. Its so bad it makes me want to laugh at you for how bad of a writer you are.
Monday, March 1, 2010 5:08PM
Daniel Tosh? You mean THE Daniel Tosh? The Daniel Tosh who does his web browsing from Wake County Public Schools in North Carolina according to your IP address? It's an honor, you internet poser piece of trash!
Monday, March 1, 2010 6:36PM
What is a killer whale doing in a tank ? No animal is created by god so that humans can sit around him and clap at stupid human orientated tricks.
When you play with fire you are bound to burn your hands. No animal should be taken from the wilderness into a cage…
Monday, March 1, 2010 3:34PM
Hey, so very amazingly unfunny.
Monday, March 1, 2010 11:21PM
So, a PETA pundit and a righty nutter, judging from the "created by God" bit, eh? Dude, get a clue. Why's the animal in a tank? Durr, it was raised there.
And for the record? The lady was hardly "playing with fire". She was minding her own buisness, doing a job she loved, with an animal she loved and trusted. And it had a pissy fit and killed her.
And if it wasn't for man putting animals in cages, IE domestication? You wouldn't even be around to be a flaming retard on the internet. Go eat a steak, maybe it'll boost your cognitive abilities a bit more than what you've displayed.
Monday, March 1, 2010 11:21PM
So, a PETA pundit and a righty nutter, judging from the "created by God" bit, eh? Dude, get a clue. Why's the animal in a tank? Durr, it was raised there.
And for the record? The lady was hardly "playing with fire". She was minding her own buisness, doing a job she loved, with an animal she loved and trusted. And it had a pissy fit and killed her.
And if it wasn't for man putting animals in cages, IE domestication? You wouldn't even be around to be a flaming retard on the internet. Go eat a steak, maybe it'll boost your cognitive abilities a bit more than what you've displayed.
Saturday, March 6, 2010 2:16AM
Hilarious! I cried with laughter while reading this. Luis, you're an excellent writer!