This Story is About a Mother, a Daughter, Cops and Oral Sex

Findlay, Ohio, with a whopping 39,000 residents, is some kind of badass town, apparently.  It breeds violence and the most intense domestic disputes you’ll ever see.  For evidence of this, you only need to read the docket on their newspaper’s website where, if you go back to Monday, November 2^nd, you’ll see this – “A woman called the police early Saturday morning during an argument with her husband after he claimed that the woman’s daughter performed oral sex on him, and the daughter was better at it.”

That’s the entire entry and it has managed to make news all the way over in the UK.

To start, we can’t tell a lot abut the nature of what’s happening here based on what was written.  Did she call the cops on her husband?  Or her daughter?  Was it his daughter?  Was she calling to get a cop to come so she could prove her husband wrong?  Was she angry that he had the oral sex, or that it was better?  What on Earth could she have said during the argument to top that, if anything?  Was there a crowd who erupted in cheers after he said it?  Did she concede it was a wicked awesome if somewhat creepy burn?  There are too many questions and not enough answers.

To get to the bottom of this seedy tale, FunnyCrave paid for a bus ticket to send an intern to Findlay, Ohio.  He never arrived and hasn’t been heard from in two days.  So then we made a phone call, which is far less dangerous.  Seriously, that intern’s probably dead.

Our call to the sheriff’s department was not returned, but after some random dialing of numbers we got ahold of Pete.  Pete lives in Findlay and is on disability from the time he tried to take a sofa upstairs by himself and stepped on an iguana (don’t ask, he went on for over an hour about that), tripped and took a sofa to the head.

FunnyCrave: So Pete, what can you tell us about this mother/daughter oral sex story?

Pete:  Please, call me Pete.

FC:  Will do.  What can you tell us?

P:…yes?

FC:  Excuse me?

P: What can you tell us…who?

FC: Pete?

P: Glad you asked.  Well, I had my nurse read it to me from the paper, same as everybody else.  Sounds like there was some weiner gobbling.

FC:  It sure does.

P:…yes?

FC:  Pete.

P: Yeah.

FC:  Do you know the parties involved?  Pete.

P:  I can’t have parties here because of the nurse.  My mom pays for her and she tells my mom everything.  She told my mom the sore on my ass was because I don’t wipe right, but I do.  I shower after every BM.

FC:  Great.  Do you know the people in the story, Pete?

P: No, but rumor has it that it’s Old Man Trundell and his wife Mildred.

FC:  And they have a daughter?

P: (silence)

FC:  Pete.

P: No, they don’t.  That’s the part of the story that doesn’t fit.  But if they did have a daughter, and if this did happen to them, then it would be them for sure.

FC:  Makes sense.  How has this revelation affected your community, Pete?

P:  Can’t say.  I’m lowjacked too, not allowed off of my property.  I steal.

FC:  Oh.  Have you heard any rumors, Pete?  Talk to friends?

P:  Yes.  Jimmy K. and Lou and I all agreed if we could do a mother and a daughter it’d be awesome.

FC:  Naturally.  Well, thanks for your time, Pete.

P:  Any time,  you gays are OK in my books.

FC:  Thanks again.

P:..yes?

FC:  Pete.