This Day In History: April, 14th

Every new date carries with it a certain historical significance; something important that happened on this day at some point in history. As a history buff, I feel it is imperative that we always keep in mind the struggles, hardships, joy and happiness of the past so we can learn from it and apply those lessons to the future.

That, and marvel at how stupid we used to be.

In 1775, the first slavery abolition society in North America was founded by Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Rush. Slavery was immediately abolished and African-Americans never had to suffer the horrors of racism ever again. Ever.

In 1828, Noah Webster published his “American Dictionary of the English Language.” It was the first dictionary of American English to be published. In early 2011, Webster’s spirit was evoked in to the physical realm by necromantic Scrabble enthusiasts. Upon hearing that the non-words “LoL,” OMG” and the symbol of a heart we added to the dictionary as official words, Webster killed himself, thus removing any trace of his spirit from any realm of existence.

In 1861, the flag of the Confederacy was raised over Fort Sumter, S.C., as Union troops there surrendered in the early days of the Civil War. Confederate general Robert E. Lee was quoted as saying, “At this rate the south will win the war in about a week. Mark my words: ONE WEEK!”

In 1865, John Wilkes Booth shot President Abraham Lincoln at Ford’s Theater in Washington during a showing of the play Our American Cousin by Tom Taylor. Ironically, the moment the bullet entered President Lincoln’s head, he had shaped his fingers in to a gun and placed the finger gun in his mouth and mimed pulling the trigger to convey how profoundly bored he was.

In 1927, the first Volvo was produced in Sweden, piquing the interest of all soccer moms in the western world.

In 1986, U.S. warplanes struck Libya in the biggest U.S. airstrike since the Vietnam War. Libya claimed 40 people were killed, but really, it was only like 2, and nobody liked one of the guys anyway.

In 1991, 20 of Van Gogh’s most famous paintings were stolen from an Amsterdam museum by two gunmen. The paintings were found abandoned 35 minutes later after the gunmen realized none of the paintings would look good in their newly remolded living room.

In 1992, a federal appeals court in New York ruled that hotel magnate Leona Helmsley, 71, must go to prison for tax evasion. [NOTE TO SELF: steal punchline for this entry from old episode of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update circa 1992]

And beyond…

In 2092, Senator Bert Matheson (D-California) will be caught orally pleasuring one of his transmogrified mutant slaves in the congressional gym. He will apologize publicly mere minutes after he is caught, saying, “I am not proud of what I have done, but you’ve got to believe me: radioactive mutant love is the purest form of love there is. I have 48 tumors in my mouth and throat that prove it.”