Penis envy is a term that gets bandied about all willy nilly and few people ever stop to appreciate just what it means.  Psychologists probably think something very boring about it, the kind of thing you might know if you’d paid attention in psychology back in university instead of skipping for three months straight to drink beer and play pool with your friends and then one time you pick up a hooker and she offers you a drink of something that smells like a boot but you’re game, you figure whatever, and you wake up 5 days later in San Diego and as much as you try to pretend otherwise, you’re absolutely positive someone played with your ass at some point.

By penis envy what we mean here is that some women just want a wang to play with.  A wang of their own.  Ask some of your female friends and surely at least one will admit to a desire to write her name in the snow sometime.  Write it with pee.  Pee that comes from a flesh pen.  Women dig that kind of freedom.  Have you ever seen a woman try to pee her name into the snow?  Unless her name is Splat and she’s using pictograms, it rarely ever works.  Although it’s rumored Lady Gaga can write her name in perfect cursive.

So, knowing as we do that women want to have penii, at least for an afternoon, what is it they want to do with those things assuming there’s no snowbank handy?  Or, for the ladies reading (hey there ladies.  S’up?) perhaps you want some suggestions from a life long penis owner.  If you ever find a way to grab hold of one, here’s all you need to know;

Oh man, she could suck the dirt off of a shag carpet

Oh man, she could suck the dirt off of a shag carpet

1 – Hump a Vacuum. This one seems precarious to most of us already outfitted with the goods, because one of the first things dad should have ever taught you was to never fuck anything with an AC power source.  That shit’s just common sense.  But a woman doesn’t know that, not because she’s not as smart as man, but because she’s never had to go to a hospital with her dick stuck in a household appliance.  You know what’s very difficult to do in a subtle manner?  Drag a household appliance, with your dick in it, to a hospital.  The only thing more obvious than a vacuum hanging off your cock would be an elk or some such.  That brings us to our next piece of advice; don’t fuck an elk.

Backtracking slightly, despite our warning of what ill fate awaits vacuum humpers (and it has happened numerous times before) if you’re just sporting a tool for the first time, you need to celebrate that sucker like it’s the 4th of July and Christmas all rolled into one semi-turgid package..  This is the one and only time in life when humping a household appliance can be considered acceptable.  Why?  Because even if you need to drag it, with your dick stuck in it, to a hospital, it’ll be the first, most wondrous time you get to experience that thrill as well.  It’s a win win situation no matter what happens.

Wait, this isn't even obscene

Wait, this isn't even obscene

2 – Teabag.  Arguably if you have a dick, you have nuts now too.  If you got your new penis from a genie or some shit, hopefully you actually asked for balls as well as there is something inherently offputting about the idea of a woman with a penis and no testicles.  More offputting than the idea of a woman with a penis and testicles, at any rate.  But if you have the full on crotch special at hand, it’s time for you to teabag someone or something.

Teabagging is an art form that can easily go awry.  You can’t swing things about like a tube sock stuffed with small, delicious plums, that’s how people lose eyes.  You need to be firm yet gentle, like a parent explaining why teabagging is wrong.  Once you’re ready to perform the act, you need a willing, or at least unconscious/oblivious recipient.  A friend’s face is best but in a pinch a cat or dog will do as well.  Nothing is quite as precious as teabagging an unsuspecting cat while it washes its paws, only to look up as clammy sack presses down between its ears as if to say “Hey, there’s sack pressed between my ears.”  Ha ha!  Cats are adorable.  Teabag one!

Is this a band named after a serial killer's car?  Huh.

Is this a band named after a serial killer's car? Huh.

3 – Dance.  Chicks dig this so you should try it as soon as you get the chance.  Drop trou and shimmy like you’re wracked with debilitating seizures.  We call it dancing for lack of a better term, but the basic idea is to make your dick flop about without the aid of hands or a helper monkey or whatever foreign object you might thing to jostle that little tumescent fucker around with.

Puppetry of the Penis, which is retarded incidentally, is also really popular and this is why.  You can do all kinds of shit with a dick.  All kinds.  It’s like silly putty.  If you’ve ever tried to mold a vagina into fun shapes or make it do zany things likely you’ve only been met with disappointment or abject terror, the only two foreseeable outcomes of that kind of behavior.

With the proper use of hip thrusting and a healthy dose of alcohol, you can get that thing jumping like it’s featured on Soul Train and that’s cool in front of a crowd or all alone.  You may not get anyone to admit it, but every dude on earth has done this by himself at some point, maybe coming out of the shower and shaking off like a dog and there was that brief moment with momentum caught hold and it felt kind of like someone whacking your thigh with a kielbasa or it could be a weekly ritual with a Beyonce soundtrack, because dick dancing to Single Ladies is fun, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

4 – Pee Control. Let’s be honest, no one understands how women pee.  No philosopher, no scientist, no haberdasher, no one.  It’s a mystery.  We assume it’s something like a leak in the gutters, shit just pours out in inclimate weather.  A penis is straight up engineering brilliance, however, and anyone can master it for fun and profit.  Well, profit if you’re making German piss videos.  Fun can be had by all, however.

To start with, pinching one off midstream is the go to move for any piss event.  Women clearly can’t do that, it’d be like trying to grab a handful of a wave at the beach, that’s preposterous.  But a simple tweak with a willy and some decent wrist reflexes and whoa, who brought the sprinkler into the bathroom?!  This is exciting!

Not into pissing across the walls and seat, that’s ok (at least you know why it happens now), maybe you’re more of a gangster.  No time like the present to act out all those Capone fantasies and turn your unit into a Tommy Gun.  Some quick fire squeeze and release and you’ll be pissing in rapid, deadly release in no time.  Lift and rotate to make elaborate designs, the fun never ends!

It's bad if they pre-emptively drink the humiliation away

It's bad if they pre-emptively drink the humiliation away

5 – Have some Sex.  Joke time is over, kiddies.  Your bladder is empty, you teabagged the cat, you’re ready for the Big Time. You need to find a woman to engage in some first-time, awkward and regrettable coitus.  History tells us your first time with be fraught with misery and likely you’ll misfire across her curtains but for the love of God don’t stop.  If you do, may you forever be saddled with the reputation of a miscreant who can’t hold his load in yearbook comments that span not just this year but next year too.  Good God, how do they remember it a year later, she doesn’t even go to this school anymore?

Anyway, you want to get that thing in its natural home, so your best bet is at a bar or club.  Why?  Because they attract skanks like flies to feces.   More impressive, clubs actually produces skanks like a hyper efficient Japanese poon assembly-line.  The most prim and proper women can only withstand about an hour’s worth of mojitos and crantinis before she starts to think that yes, hiking up her skirt and letting a stranger investigate her anus on the dance floor is a good idea.  Colo-rectal health is a concern for everyone, after all.

So you’re at a bar, you have a penis and there are skanks handy, the kinds of ladies who will have sex with you simply because you have a penis.  Go to, young wang wrangler.  Have at it.   We’d advise you further on the ins and outs of sex (ha!  Sex pun!) but in truth this is one undiscovered country you need to traverse on your own, as past efforts to elucidate the subtle intricacies of sex (read: porn) have created far too many unrealistic expectations and several restraining orders.

In the meantime, dick dance to Beyonce!