Twitter is one of those wonderful modern day inventions that I have almost no use for. It’s all well and good for some people, but I don’t feel the near constant need to tell people what I think about things. Some people do, and that’s cool. I’m just not one of them. So to me, Twitter is a little intimidating. What am I going to say that is worthy of those precious 140 characters? Most of the time it’s nothing. The rest of my time spent on Twitter is spent starring at the text entering area and thinking random thoughts on the nature of Twitter and the Twitterverse and Twitter culture, and whatever the hell else old people in the old media world call the Twitter phenomenon.

I took the time recently to stare at my Twitter account for a bit as I attmepted to think of something to tweet. Here are those thoughts — thoughts, by the way, that were never tweeted.

“Yeah, okay, I feel good about that tweet. That’s a good, strong tweet that is both insightful and humorous that my few followers will love. Ah, fuck it. They don’t give a shit about what I think.”

“Damn it, Twitter. If only you allowed for 150 characters then I’d be able to tell people about the monster dump I just took.”

“If humanity is wiped out tomorrow, and an alien race comes to earth to learn who we were, they will eventually read my tweet about how much I love watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. They will immediately abandon their human regeneration program.”

“Aaaaaand my tweet is sent….aaaaaand now it’s lost in the abyss of everyone’s home feeds. Darn, don’t I feel special? Why the fuck is it that I joined Twitter? If I wanted to be ignored I’d just go outside and live my normal life.”

“Why couldn’t there be a MySpace Tom of the Twitter world? Someone all Twitter users have in common? If he were real, I think his home feed would be a clusterfuck of banal madness.”

“Retweeting is the closest thing we have to socially acceptable plagiarism.”

“Man, I really hope Tony Danza responds to my tweet.”

“The only thing worse than reading what some asshole politician has to say  is reading what some random asshole politician has to say when a majority of the wrds r trnc8ted 2 sav spce.”

“If I’m not a celebrity and I tweet about a TV show I’m currently watching or a burger I’m currently eating, no one will care. But if I am a celebrity, there’s a very good chance said tweet will make it on to Entertainment Tonight.”

“If a person spoke the way they tweeted I would recommend they find a brain surgeon.”

“Creating an original hash tag that no one else uses makes me feel like a marketing executive that brings up strategies for selling cigarettes to kids in a room full of cancer patients.”

“My problem isn’t that my thoughts are over 140 characters long, it’s that all of my thoughts can only truly be expressed through dance.”

“Are mimes allowed to have twitter accounts? If so, I’m pretty sure they’d only tweet pictures of themselves expressing their thoughts through the art of descriptive posing.”

“I can’t wait for the inevitable day that Facebook buys Twitter, and Mark Zuckerberg announces that the two sites will merge in to one single, all powerful site. The site will look exactly like Facebook, just there will be a small, green letter T next to the status bar.”

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