I’m not the type of person that can sit on a park bench or in the waiting room at my gynecologist to get my man-puss checked for pee-pee sicknesses and just strike up a conversation with people. When people start talking to me, my brain shuts off and I only respond with occasional Yeah’s and I know, right?’s. The reason for this is not because I hate all humans and dare not communicate with them. It’s because I like to just kick back and enjoy the silence.

When I do this, I tend to stare off awkwardly in to the middle-distance, and whatever saunters (or strolls, or wanders, or gambols) through my field of vision gets thought about deeply. War, strife, politics, or tough ethical and moral quandaries never seem to cross my field of vision, so it’s safe to say that I rarely think about such things when I stare off. Mostly I end up thinking about things like squirrels and babies, and, such as is the case today, cats.

I took the time to write down some of the thoughts I had when I look at cats…and here they are.

“It’s murder, isn’t it? You’re thinking about murder. I knew it.”

“It’s going to be impossible to re-gift this dead bird you just brought me.”

“If you slept for a few more hours out of any given day, you could be legally classified as a coma patient.”

“You’re a real cunt, aren’t you?

“I love you for being a nice little furry companion. I don’t think I would love you if you could speak, though. I wouldn’t know how to respond to a creature looking me in the eyes and telling me it’s going to vomit on my bed…and then do it.”

“Am I a bad person for wanting to toss you out my 3rd story window to test out that whole “always land on their feet” thing? How about a moving car? A plane?”

“Something tells me that if you became fully functioning members of our human society — working with us, communicating with us, and thinking with us – you’d all be the assholes that swapped derivatives and sold people sub-prime mortgages.”

“I pick you up by your front legs and make you dance because it amuses me. When you inevitably do the same to me, it will be because you have already killed me and are now you’re just having some shits and giggles.”

“One day you’re going to catch that little red laser dot I tease you with…and my mind will be thoroughly, thoroughly blown.”

“I give you some food, and then you go over there and lick your butt! Outta make butt flavored cat food! I’m sorry, Cat. I stole that line from Gallagher. Yes, the guy that smashes fruit as his chosen form of comedic expression.”

“Are you fat because you’re lazy, or are you lazy because you’re fat? Either way, you still find a way to muster up enough energy to leap on my dresser and fuck up everything on it.”

“You know how your eyes always brightly glow in every picture I have of you? Yeah, that’s the camera capturing the vague glimmer of the demon within your soul.”

“When the chips are down and no one is around to comfort me, I can always count on you, Cat, to be there to ignore me when I call your name.”