The WWE Network Will Not Suck

If you were a child at any point in the time during the 1980’s, you watched WWF wrestling.  Gay or straight, the show’s greasy men in short pants appealed to everyone.  You followed the British Bulldog, the Ultimate Warrior and the Macho Man Randy Savage.  Well, that was then, kids.  That was then.

The British Bulldog is dead now, the Ultimate Warrior is crazy as a shit house rat and the Macho Man doesn’t even shill Slim Jims anymore.  Life is terrible all around for the glory days of wrestling.  And the WWF became the WWE and evolved into a massive suckhole of mental retardation.  Back in the day, when it had a cartoon based on it and characters like The JunkYard Dog and Kamala the Ugandan Giant, it was both silly and harmless.  Then they decided to make that shit get real.  If by get real you mean over the top retarded.

For years the WWF/WWE was a money making powerhouse of stupidity.  Stars like Stone Cold Steve Austin ushered in an era of idiotic story telling about employees physically assaulting their bosses on a weekly basis with no real world consequences whatsoever that legions of fans who can’t quite follow Nascar ate up with a plastic fork that has the ends filed down so it won’t be dangerous.  No angle was too stupid or too unbelievable, whether it be the insinuation that the Undertaker might actually murder his opponents before, during or after a match, or that somehow people like the Rock were working in direct opposition to McMahon, who owns the company, and wanted nothing more than to ensure his one-dimensional tyrant of a character ruled the world of wrestling for no discernible reason toward no logical end whatsoever.

And then the XFL happened.  High on his own sense of not being a complete bonehead, McMahon demonstrated why he’s a complete bonehead by hatching the world’s most terrifyingly awful sports league. Ever.  Wrestling fans were as easily duped by terrible story telling as they are by shiny objects and fast-paced games of peek-a-boo.  Football fans were not.  Thus, when the XFL’s completely idiotic gameplay made itself public, the world of football stared with shocked disgust, the way you might briefly stare in horror at an old man who depants in the locker room at the gym before turning away in revulsion.

Anyone who hasn’t blocked the memory of the XFL from their minds is aware that this half assed attempt at football was pathetic at best, and about as interesting to watch as the sponge baths down at the old folks home.  Which s to say fun for some, but not for most.  The league was mostly second string talent and a broadcast on NBC that managed pull in a 1.5 rating share, which, at the time, made it the least watched show on primetime network television ever.  Advertisers, who had been promised better ratings, began getting free air time to make up for it

Demonstrating a total lack of understanding about the difference between sports and “sports entertainment,” the XFL succeeded in giving the few viewers it had everything no one ever wanted in a football game, including color commentary from the likes of Jim Ross, Jesse the Body Ventura and Jerry the King Lawler, rules that even the players didn’t fully understand and a general loathing from nearly all media outlets.  NBC dumped the XFL like a hot potato laced with the herpes simplex virus and the league died soon after.

But it did accomplish one thing, and that was to show the world of wrestling that no, Vince McMahon was not the genius he pays his employees to say he is.  He’s great at marketing wrestling, and absolutely nothing else.

So now, having learned nothing from that earlier example, McMahon is again trying to broaden his business horizons by starting an entire television network.  And who wouldn’t want to watch a WWE network, full of current wrestling, old wrestling, reality shows about wrestling and let’s not forget movies.  Movies like the Marine, starring John Cena, and See No Evil, starring Kane, neither of which was so awful it made anyone want to punch themselves right in the nuts so the pain would block their brain’s ability to perceive the rest of the film.

We wish McMahon and the WWE all the nest with the new venture.  It’s sure to be gangbusters.