If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you’re a virgin and you just Google searched “How do I get my fuck on?” because you have a very inquisitive nature, and you feel you’re ready to have sex with the women of your dreams (which, by your current definition, is the first slag gracious enough to do you).
To help you on your first sexual adventure, we’re going to arm you with knowledge. There’s no better way to make a girl think you’re a pro then by studying up and getting to learn all of the ins and outs of doing it before you actually do it.
Getting to Know Yourself
The penis is a terrifying hunk of flesh. It’s got all kinds of wrinkles and veins, and it never photographs well. Go ahead, Google a picture of a penis. Whether erect or flaccid, they always have this look to them that’s reminiscent of old pictures of Dust Bowl farmers from the 30s. It’s a combination of despair and anger. Vaginas are clean and elegant, like they were crafted by a master. But a penis is the work of a slacker that only just realized that his big history project is due tomorrow and he hasn’t even started the damn thing.
So now that we’ve established that your penis is the stuff of night terrors, let’s get to know all of its individual parts:
1) Balls – Your testicles are the weakest part of your body. They’re fragile and they look like frail old men that are whispering for you to kill them. Why evolution just left them hanging there is a mystery. Well, okay, it’s not a mystery. They need to be outside of the body because they need to be a few degrees cooler than everything else, but still. It makes no sense to have something that susceptible to pain left out in the open like that. Your heart is protected by your rib cage, but your balls have a plastic grocery bag. Just poor craftsmanship.
2) The Head – If you watch a lot of porn, you may notice that some heads look like the classic penis head that all young boys draw when they’re bored in class. Others look like battle helmets for an alien race that’s been at war for thousands of years. And others look like partially used erasers on the end of giant novelty pencils. They all look a bit different, but they’re all generally the same. They are to men what the clitoris is to women. In fact, if you mashed your penis in to your torso it would look exactly like a clitoris and you would have ruined a perfectly good dick.
3) The Shaft – The part of the penis that looks most like a sausage. It doesn’t do anything special, but would be so badass if it had spikes on it. Also, war would have been very gay.
4) The Foreskin – if you have any, consider yourself lucky. A heaping helping of foreskin can hold a fare amount of loose change, and maybe even a mini-USB port.
Exploring the Vagina
As I mentioned earlier, the vagina is a beautiful sight to behold. But don’t let that fool you. That little sucker can take a pounding. During a love making session, the vagina can look lovely and pleasant, as if it couldn’t hurt a fly. They look so sweet and innocent that you almost expect them constantly giggle like a bashful Disney princess. But then you watch one giving birth and it looks like the nightmare-ish mouth of the underworld has opened its gaping maw wide to devour all the souls of those that God never loved.
The duality of the vagina is one of earth’s true wonders, and it must be respected. The best way to show it your respect is by understanding it and its many nooks and crannies.
1) The Lips – more commonly known as the labia, the lips of the vagina can either look pristine and untouched, or like a poor kid that has to wear a sheet and pretend to be a ghost for Halloween. And the thing is, this little poor kid knows his costume sucks, so he’s always waving his arms around and flapping his sheets to distract from his costume’s ugliness. This only makes it look worse.
2) Clitoris – Ground Zero for female orgasmic pleasure. It’s located at the top of the vagina, and it looks like a man in a hoodie glaring at you as you do dirty sex stuff. First time sex-havers should not concern themselves with the clitoris. It’s complicated and requires a +3 sex rating to use it. We hear that you have to defeat a dungeon full trolls to obtain a scroll that tells you how to use it.
3) Vagina – A common misconception with the vagina is that it’s the sum of all of its parts. It is not. When people think vagina they are really thinking about the vulva. The actual vagina is where the penis goes. It’s also where fresh produce can go. And baseball bats. And entire arms. And I once saw a mail box go in there.
4) The Anus — is not the vagina, but some virgin girls will request that you have anal sex in order to preserve their virginity. If you find yourself in this position, graciously accept as you wonder if allowing you to have sex with her butt makes her any more pure.
So now that we fully understand the ins and outs of everyone’s sexual parts, we can finally get to jamming them in to eachother. Right off the bat, you should know that during your first time you’re going to be fighting an epic battle with the urge to climax. You will lose and all of your troops will be decapitated and their heads being used to decorate the homes to those that were victorious. So the best thing to do is to just let it happen, then kind of make a joke about it afterwards like “Heh, first time,” or “Obviously, my penis wants to get out of here faster than I do.”
But let’s not really worry about that now. First, let’s talk about foreplay. Foreplay encompasses a lot of different things. It’s kissing, teasing, caressing, and putting genitals in your mouth. That last one is probably the most important. Oral sex is a great tool because if you’re good enough at it, you can knock out 2 or 3 orgasms right there and not worry about how long you’ll last when you actually start with the sex.
Oral sex on a female is called Cunnilingus, and there’s probably an art to it, but really, all you have to do is flail your tongue around like you have no arms and you’re trying to navigate though darkness with your mouth. Also, an interesting side note about oral sex is that if you blow in to the vagina, the nipples get larger. Conversely, if a woman holds her nose and blows, her vagina can resuscitate a drowning victim. Food for thought.
Next would come insertion. This part can be tricky for some guys. But never fear; all you have to remember is that the vagina hole is at the bottom of the vagina, dangerously close to the anus. So close that you may wonder why evolution didn’t just combine the two. You’ll hate yourself a little after you have this thought.
To ensure the insertion process goes smoothly, you should employ the “Poke-n-Slide” method. Poke-n-slide is when you take the penis and just kind of poke it at any old place on the vagina, then slide it down until it accidentally slips in to a hole. This technique is also known as The Blind Fire, The Mississippi Dipstick, Wile E. Cockoty, Finding The Leak, and The Virgin Suicide.
Once in, there are a number of positions you can try that really don’t add that much to the feel of the sex, they just make you feel like more of a porn star, if anything. There’s the classic missionary, which is pretty boring, so you can spice it up by staring directly in to your partners eyes like you’re suspicious of her. There’s doggystyle, which is good for making obscene gestures with your hands behind your partner’s back. And there’s the reverse cowgirl, which has all the benefits of doggystyle with the added benefit of not having to move. Like, at all.
After you’ve found the hole and have chosen your position, it’s all about finding a thrust rhythm and sticking to it. This is where we suggest a metronome. When things are smooth and sexy, we suggest you fuck at about 50 BPM. If you want to get a little wild, 152 BPM should do the trick. If she farts or poos the bed, crank it up to 208 BPM and make your way for the door just as you begin to squirt. In fact, you should be bare-assed naked and firing your load as you casually open the bedroom door to let yourself out.
After all the work you put in to it and all that flopping around in ecstasy that your girl has done, it’s time for you to orgasm and cement your loss of virginity by having an orgasm that’s less about flailing and more about looking like you’re having a very subtle seizure. One thing I should note is that Cinemax softcore porns are filled with lies. There’s no such thing as a man and woman climaxing at the exact same time. She’s going to cum a few times and you’re going to cum once. When you cum, she’ll probably be ¾ of the way to another orgasm, and she’ll be left feeling pissed that you didn’t finish the job. So cuming at the same time is pretty much out of the question. And if it does happen, congratulations, you just ripped open a portal to hell.
If you followed all of the steps outlined in this guide, then congratulations! You’re no longer a virgin! You’re a man! Now you are officially able to do all kinds of manly things. You can chop some wood. You can mine some coal. You can punch the shit out of other men. And you can raise a child because no where in this guide did I tell you to wear a condom.