The Vagina Dialogues

“Hey.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said ‘hey’.”

“Yes, I heard.  Can I help you?”

“I think so.  I most certainly think so.”

“Ok…”

“I’m new around here.  New in town.  Don’t know much about it.  At all.”

“Oh, how nice for you.  There’s a tourism office at City Hall.”

“Been there.  Seen it.  Now I’m seeing you.”

“OK.  Listen, I’m just waiting for my ride, so…”

“Oh, I just bet you are.”

“OK, how about you just keep on wherever you need to go?”

“I don’t need to be anywhere, sweet thing.”

“Then take a hint and fuck off.”

“Ooh, meow.  Feisty.”

“I mean it, fuck off.”

“Relax kitten, I’m just trying to be friendly.”

“Well you’re going to get maced soon if you don’t back the fuck off.”

“Hey now, no need to get violent.  Besides, how are you going to mace me?”

“I dunno, with a fucking can of mace?”

“Yeah, but how you going to use it?  You have no hands.”

“What?”

“Well, you need hands.  Gotta squeeze the button with fingers, right?”

“And?”

“And you’re a vagina.”

“What’s your point, asshole?”

“Vaginas don’t have hands.  Haven’t you noticed?”

“You know what?…wait…huh.”

“I know, right?”

“I’ll be jiggered.  You know, I never noticed that before.”

“Yeah, I didn’t pick up on it until like six months ago.  I thought I’d go make a sandwich and then I blew my mind when I noticed I’m a vagina.  I couldn’t even eat a sandwich if I could make one.”

“Oh, because no mouth, right?”

“Right.  No teeth, no digestive system.  Frankly I’m stunned that we’re even having a conversation right now.”

“Oh shit, you’re right.  This is bizarre.”

“You have no idea.  Like, when you think about it, are we two bare vaginas out on the street?  How did that happen?  And have I been hitting on you?  Does that make me a lesbian?  So many questions.”

“That is absolutely nuts.”

“It is.  It really is.”