The Tragic Disemboweling of Hello Kitty

The world recently lost an icon when Hello Kitty, beloved Japanese cartoon cat devoid of any emotion beyond blank, sugary cuteness (that’s an emotion, right?) and dildo spokesmodel succumbed to a terrible illness.  No, not feline leukemia.  Not even Hitler AIDS.  Hello Kitty had her goddamn insides pulled out.  That happened to my cousin once when he was on a bus, and it is awful.

As you can see in the picture, Hello Kitty and her friend, some other kitty (or maybe just Hello Kitty with a tan, or maybe Island Hello Kitty, or interracial child Hello Kitty) are in the throes of death, tragically but conveniently caught on camera.  Her eyes seem to beg for final release, staring out at you, as if to say “…”

Hello Kitty was in the prime of her life, and in otherwise good health.  Even the layman is forced to acknowledge the healthy looking state of her internal organs.  Rarely willa n unhealthy heart look so pleased with itself, though Interracial Hello Kitty’s green liver does suggest she was an alcoholic, which is probably racist.  She also has quite a length of chocolate brown colon suggesting she’s quite impacted.  Hell, maybe she’s not interracial, maybe that’s jaundice.  Regardless, the white one looked pretty healthy.  Aside from her front being blown off.

An autopsy revealed the cause of death to be massive coming off of the outsides of the body, compounded by acute insides just hanging out.  Plus that impacted colon on the brown ones.  That’s like an epic shit sausage that cat was packing.

Hello Kitty is survived by longtime lesbian companion Minnie Mouse, who long ago ditched Mickey in favor of engaging in the cartoon animal’s final taboo – mouse/cat homosexuality.

Services will be held this Saturday.  All in attendance are asked to bring a Hello Kitty vibrator, because that shit is funny.  Donations can be made in Hello Kitty’s name to the National Coming Off of the Outside of the Body Benefit Fund.