The Top 10 Top 10 Lists That Should Be Retired From the Internet

Along with adorable cat videos and pictures of Megan Fox, the Top 10 list is the very lifeblood of the internet.  No matter what the topic may be, rest assured, you can find an article somewhere on the internet ranking its best or worst moments in numeric order.  Also, depending on the topic, there is a good chance you’ll find way too many of those lists than we as a people could possibly ever need.  Here are ten “Top 10″ lists that should be given a rest in 2010.

Celebrity Scandals

As obnoxious as this particular segment of the “Top 10″ list empire may be, it’s probably the one that is most in need of a long break as opposed to a complete banishment from the internet.  Celebrity scandals are hilarious, but they also happen like every six weeks.  In turn, that means every six weeks we get a “Top 10 Celebrity Scandals of All Time” list every six weeks that just replaces the #10 entry from all of the other lists with whatever scandal is in the news that week.

Misspelled Tattoos

This one shouldn’t just be retired, it should be taken out back and shot in the head.  Don’t get us wrong, misspelled tattoos are hilarious.  But how many damn times do we need to see them all gathered in one place?  See that hilariously misspelled tattoo above?  It’s in every fucking “Top 10 Misspelled Tattoos” list ever.  Every one of them.  We’ve seen it.  We’ve all seen it.  It was funny the first fifty or so times.  But now, it’s just funny whenever someone thinks they’ve had a stroke of inspiration handed down from the very hands of God and puts together yet another list of the top misspelled tattoos.  At least until it gets 3,451 Diggs.  Then, it’s infuriating.

Hot Cartoon Chicks

You can bet your perverted ass that everytime Disney or whoever else cranks out a new cartoon that features a character with any kind of cleavage, someone is going to trot out a “Top 10 Hottest Cartoon Chicks” article to go along with it.  Guess what?  Jessica Rabbit is number one.  Always.  At least until Erin Esurance makes a full length feature.  That race could go either way.  But still, we get it, tits are awesome and animated tits are awesome and hilarious.  This list has been done to death.  Stop it.

Best/Worst Comic Book Movies

The Iron Man sequel is coming in 2010!  Also coming in 2010, hundreds of sites posting hundreds of articles ranking comic book movies by varying degrees of awesomeness or lack thereof!  Shit like this never fails to get comic book geeks all into a tizzy because, like, Watchmen FTW!  Listen, Entertainment Weekly, nobody gives a shit what you think about Batman and Robin.  Everyone knows that movie was the worst thing ever.  We don’t need your 10 item long list obnoxiously broken up into ten separate pages with eleven words of text each to drive that point home.

Horror Movie Clichés That Need to Die

Guess what, internet list generators, movie clichés, be they horror movie related or not, have an entire damn website of their own!  It’s time to call it a day on this one.  The car never starts, the black guy dies first, the hot chick gets killed while boning, the villain is impossible to kill, blah, blah, blah.  You know what, we like the fact that the hot chick gets killed while having sex.  Otherwise, we’d never have seen her topless before she died.  And that, would be a true horror.

Hottest Female Athletes

OMG!  GIRLS PLAYING SPORTS!!!!!  Unlike the other stuff on this list, it’s hard to pinpoint a specific time when this list rears its sexy head most frequently.  It’s a pretty safe bet that we’ll see another “sexy female athletes” list once the Winter Olympics start up.  We’ll see about ten thousand of them when the Summer Olympics roll around again, those beach volleyball uniforms are fire, y’all!  Other than that, expect to see this list any and every time a barely legal pole vaulter finds herself the center of pervy attention.

Unusual Buildings

See that picture up there?  It was probably the catalyst for fifty or more “Top 10 Most Unusual Buildings” lists.  You seeing a pattern here?  This is how the internet works.  A picture makes the rounds on the internet, a million websites see it and think “That’s quite an unusual building.  I wonder if there are other unusual buildings in the world?  Eureka!  There are!  I’ll make a list of them!”  It should go without saying that most of the research that goes into compiling these lists comes from the untold hundreds of completely identical lists that came before them.

Badass Movie Characters

This is one that we’ve never really understood.  If you are a character in an action movie, which damn near every character who makes their way onto these lists are, you’re pretty much 100% more badass than anyone else just on basic principle.  How is this interesting to anybody?  And who are the real badasses here?  The top spot on these lists usually goes to John Rambo or some shit.  But he was all musclebound and gunned up.  He’s expected to be badass.  What about, like, Jerry Lundegaard or something?  He set up an elaborate kidnapping plot involving his own wife because he was in financial trouble at work.  Like it or not, that takes balls of goddamned steel.  But somehow, he never makes the cut.  We could take the ridiculous overabundance of these lists if the people writing them could be a little more creative about it.

Misheard Song Lyrics

Holy shit, did CCR say “there’s a bathroom on the right?”  No, no they didn’t.  The song is called “Bad Moon On the Rise,” what kind of retard makes a mistake like that?  Plenty of them do.  And the fact that this happens has been documented at least one million times since the internet came to prominence.  With the possible exception of “The Top 10 Reasons Your Cat Is Like Your Girlfriend,” this could be the most overdone list in the history of ever.  The only reason it doesn’t take the top spot is because, hopefully, listeratis will soon realize that the fact that some people think Hendrix said “excuse me while I kiss this guy” is no longer interesting or relevant.  At the very least, this one has a scant chance of dying out.  That’s more than we can say for the next one.

Best ______ Songs of All Time

The “Top 10 ______ Songs of All Time” is the granddaddy of all internet list based articles.  In case you’re wondering, that blank space in the title can be filled with, literally, anything.  “Christmas,” “Halloween,” “Cat,” “Sausage.”  Take your pick.  You know how whenever someone is quoting crime statistics, at some point they’ll say something like “every six seconds somewhere in the world a creepy old dude is whacking it to a Miley Cyrus poster?”  Same thing applies here.  At least once per minute, someone is working out a mixtape in their brain and then posting it to their blog.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.  And giving.  And giving.  And giving some more.  And then giving even more.  And then giving again.  Are you tired of us typing “and giving” repeatedly?  Well, then now you know how we feel about all of these lists.  They’re awfully nice, and we’re sure the intention behind them is perfectly good, but please, let’s come up with something new in 2010.