I, like many men before me, often imagine what I would do if I were a women for a day. I once read that 83% of all men have pondered that very question. That’s not a real stat, but I did read it somewhere, because I wrote it on a piece of paper about 7 minutes ago and then I read it aloud to make sure it made sense, so fuck you for questioning my sources.
This question usually comes up when I’m hanging with a bunch of dudes, then we see a sexy lady and we’re all like “I like masturbating,” and then that thought transforms in to “I hear ladies have super-intense orgos” (“orgos” is our slang short-hand for orgasms). Then, all of this leads to “If I had a vagina, I’d be all up in that bitch all the time.” As you can clearly see, our conversations are intellectually exhilarating. You have no idea who many parents have thanked us for talking about this kind of stuff in front of their children at the local McDonalds. We’re a roving band of philosophers that are just trying to get the world to stop and think about the pressing issues of the day, like what we would do if we had big, beefy poons.
I think it’s time to create a definitive list of vagina-related activities just in case I wake up as a lady tomorrow, like a softcore porn version of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis.
1) Carry my keys in it
2) Wipe it with a Vagisil wipe and slap a dude in the face with the wipe
3) Talk about my vagina in the third person. “Luis Prada’s vagina don’t take no guff!”
4) Try to launch ping pong balls out of it. If it works, I ease myself in to stage-two: sea urchins.
5) Open my legs during a strong wind and listen for a hallow whistle. “Hoooooooooooooooo”
6) Take some ‘shrooms and look at my vagina in the mirror until I think it’s smiling at me.
7) Move the lips around like a mouth while speaking in a high-pitched old west accent.
8) Watch how it reacts during a sneeze
9) Shave the pubes to make it look like I have a second vagina on top of my first vagina
10) Tattoo the phrase “Beef Taco” above it
11) Put a light bulb in it and then bite in to a potato. If it works, I’m never paying my light bill again.
12) Put some plastic vampire teeth in it
13) Try to open a series of pickle jars with it as a man from the Guinness Book of World Records stands by hating his life
14) Pop in a couple of alka seltzers, take a picture of it and tell people it has rabies
15) Similarly, pop in a couple of alka seltzers and submit my vagina to a science fair as a diorama of an erupting volcano
16) Mentos + Diet Coke + My Vagina
17) Invent a way to remove the vagina and slap it on to any surface. Kind of like Wyle E. Coyote cartoons where he paints a black hole on a wall, then moves the black hole to the ground and falls through it, or something. Just imagine all of the women’s liberation meetings where women slap their vaginas on to walls, and then paint them, or put glitter on them. A wall of sparkling vaginas.
18) Monetize it
19) Order 50 pizzas, then tell the pizza delivery guy that it was just a prank pulled by my vagina
20) Soak a tampon in vodka
21) Soak a tampon in pudding
22) Get it Vagazzled
23) Write a book about my vagina’s fight to protect African gorillas.
24) Call my vagina “My Disciple”
25) Try to stuff myself inside of it with the intent of flipping myself inside-out.