If you don’t have someone to call your own this Valentine ’s Day, then your problem is probably glandular and can’t be resolved with simple over-the-counter medication. Your extraordinary weight and your agonizing odors are preventing you from having someone special in your life. The kind of loving person that you hate everything about and wonder if their parents actively taught them to suck that much, or if it was just something they picked up along the way — like smoking, or that type of Chlamydia that “only” Kola bears get.

But, the point is, a great deal of guys out there are probably going to be alone today, and we feel for’em. We know what’s its like, being sad and pathetic, playing video games while you know that the neighbors on every side of you in your complex are fucking like crazy. Even the guy with the walker and the neckerchief and his wife, who looks not like Mrs. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus, but actually, Mrs. Frizzle’s lizard from The Magic School Bus. Even the lizard and the nearly crippled guy are doing it together. And you’ve got no one.

You suck.

But never fear. We’ve got some ideas for you so you can better cope with the basket of sadness this day had mailed to your front door this morning, along with the morose candy gram sung by a corpse being hung by its neck.

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♥♥Masturbation♥♥

Let’s face it; even if you had a girlfriend of a wife or someone gagged and bound in your rape lair, the chances were pretty good that you were going to masturbate at least once at some point throughout the day. But you don’t have any of those things. You’re alone. You’ve got no one. Just you and an empty rape lair. All of this adds up to one glorious jack off session that may require you to steam clean your ceiling and shave your cat just to clean up 1/8^th of the mess.

We recommend you take full advantage of being alone and being filled with that feeling of trying to one-up all couples in the world by doing really stupid stuff. Byt stupid stuff, we mean doing weird shit that you would never do unless you were on the verge of a depressed mental breakdown. Stuff that involves cramming other stuff in to places where that stuff shouldn’t be. What these places and things should be is up to you. We don’t know what you own, and you shouldn’t go out and buy new stuff to cram in to a place. But we do recommend Mad Libs-ing it. For example:

I’m so fucking horny, bro! I’m going to (Sexual Action Verb) this giant fucking (Object) right in my (You only have like 3 or 4 holes. Pick one).

Don’t forget that 9-1-1 is number 4 on your speed dial, and the salad tongs are in the third kitchen drawer on the right, next to the assortment of tits-themed flatware.

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♥♥Prostitutes♥♥

Prostitutes are great way to waste away a lonely V-day. Hell, if you pay them enough, they’ll even scream the opening crawl from Empire Strikes Back in to your butt hole, much in the same way a normal girlfriend would, and in the exact same way that all the relationship books tell women to do. They do, literally, whatever you want them do to, just as long as you have the cash for it. So, sure, there are those nights when you’re wishing and hoping for the sex robot of the future that you’ve been hearing about your whole life, but, really, with enough money you can get a prostitute to do things that would mortify a robot and make them try to find Robo-Christ.

This opens the floor up to only one real question: now that you’re confronted with damn near any option you can dream up, what do you want to do to/with/at/inside of your prostitute? If you are ever confronted with this decision, you’ll find your mind to be a tabula rasa. Your wheels will be churning but nothing will be produced. You won’t’ know what to do.

But we know.

Pay your whore to let you roofy her. Now, you’re not going to date rape her, or murder her, or do weird things to her. You’re just going to tie strings to her hands and legs, order a pizza, and marionette your whore’s flaccid body to the door so she can pay for the pizza. Nothing will entertain you more than watching a ghoulish whore wafting through the air on pulleys as you make her do and say whatever you want via series of ropes. (Let’s face it, you’re just going to make her mime jerking off and picking her nose).

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♥♥Hanging with the Bros♥♥

Your bros love you. They think you’re awesome. That’s why the keep you around. They think you’re awesome, you think they’re awesome (with the exception of Bobby. Bobby’s a cunt). So what better way to drown your V-Day sorrows then by hanging with the bros and having a few beers and doing manly things that have nothing to do with girly love and hearts and all that other totally gay shit that you and your bro contingent care not for.

Bro hanging time is the time for manly bro activities like burping, and talking about chicks and discussing the decline in performance of the local sports teams. It’s a time for working on cars, drinking beer, gang fucking a dude, and using power tools.

Hanging with the bros is a luxury that women will just never understand. Of course, women can hang out and discuss their vaginas and their elasticity and what not, but they’ll never get to enjoy nor appreciate the feeling of engine grease under their finger nails, or grass stains all over their favorite football jersey, or the stench of a random man’s essence on their testicles.

Yes, hanging with the bros is a special time that’s totally not gay, and totally does not involve gay things. And, above all else, hanging with the bros is not a really convenient excuse for piling in a car with your friends and trolling for some barely legal man ass.