The Silicon PenisBy Ian Fortey
Buzzfeed, the source for everything that’s everything on the internet, recently shat across all our brains by giving silicon penis unto the world. What is silicon penis? We refuse to link it and most states prohibit us from showing it, but more importantly our own sense of right and wrong forbids us from showing it as well. We hope you appreciate the intensity of that statement since, up until now, we were pretty sure we had no sense of right and wrong. We have a guy on staff who’s nickname is Blumpie for God’s sake.
Anyway, we can’t show you Silicon Penis because you don’t want to see Silicon Penis. But, by now, you may wonder what Silicon Penis is. The name seems like it may be self explanatory, but it so isn’t. Because nothing can explain Silicon Penis.
According to literature provided at the source, Silicon Penis is the culmination of 6 years worth of work. 6 years doing what, you ask? Doing the devil’s work.
Silicon Penis is not a sex toy. It’s not a prog rock band. It’s not avant-garde art. It’s not a dance troupe. It’s not a cartoon. It’s not a website. It’s not the pseudonym of a hilarious blogger. Silicon Penis is the wang of a disgusting man who spent 6 years injecting silicon into himself.
We have to add here that we don’t believe this story at all. We’re pretty sure that if you inject silicon for 6 years into your wang, you’ll just die or at the very least rot your wang off. But clearly something happened here. Maybe just one massive injection of saline or botox or something horrible but the point is what was once a penis (we assume) is yanked forth in truly ghastly fashion and revealed to be something less dong-like and more elephant-man like than any of us have a right to see. It’s fucking awful. It’s like looking into the abyss and catching the abyss on the toilet after a chili eating competition when it forget to close the bathroom door. It’s like watching your parents have sex with your grandparents. It’s like misplacing your keys and looking all over the house for them only to realize at the last moment that your face is on fire and one of the aliens from the movie Alien is trying to put the fire out with acid piss.
At some point, the owner of Silicon Penis, we’ll call him Lucifer, mentions that he calls it the blob. That’s a good closer for this whole article, but if we had to say something else, we’d say that you should never call it the blob. If you can, reasonably, call it the blob, then you have failed. You have failed at having a penis and you join the ranks of everyone who’s ever buggered a horse, or bisected their wang, or tried to hump a light socket. You must return your wang to the manufacturer and never bother anyone again. You are wrong.