The Sexiest Pick up Lines, Guaranteed to Work*

• Hey, you look acceptable.  Let’s do this
• Is your dad a thief?  Because my TV’s missing.  Let’s have sex and we’re square
• Baby, when you’re my girl, you’ll never need to buy toilet paper again.  Ever.
• Let’s make like a syphilitic brain and go crazy.
• Pretend you’re Hitler and my dick is a Jewish community and pop me in your oven

• I want to impregnate you and only take marginal responsibility for the child
• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d be so rich I’d pay you to fuck me
• Are your legs tired?  Because I want to do you on a treadmill.
• If you go on a date with me, I’ll stop killing the neighborhood pets
• I write for a comedy website.
• Say, those are nice jeans.  They’d look better if we were porking.
• Are you from Tennessee?  Because you look a bit inbred, and I assume that means I’d be a step up for you.
• My mom says I have a huge dong.
• Can I buy you a drink and then slip a tasteless and scentless narcotic into it that will allow me to take advantage of you?
• I’m a road kill cleaner, what does your boyfriend do?
• The word of the day is legs, let’s spread the word.  Then you can put a finger in my bum, yeah?
• I love our conversations, but let’s get naked, I can’t put my fist in your childhood dreams
• Come with me and I will shower you with gifts.  And piss.
• Touch my doodle?
• You have eyes like moonlit pools, and I bet your vag lips are as meaty as a deli sandwich
• I choo-choo-choose you
• Is this Heaven?  Because you look like my dead aunt
• What say you, me and my mom’s dildo go make a movie?
• If you were a tear in my eye I wouldn’t cry for fear of you landing on my dong when I jerk off.  I tend to cry when I masturbate and I’d hate for you to get the wrong idea about me.
• What’s your sign?  My cancer, cuz I have crabs.  High five!
• Your dad must have been a baker, because I smell yeast
• Do you know karate?  Because I want to make sure you can’t overpower me later.
• Hold still, I think there’s something in your eyes.  Oh wait, it’s just a sparkle.  Wait, nope, I was wrong.  I think it’s a pube.
• Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?  Prune?  Apricot?  Christ am I bunged up.
• Here I am, what are your other two wishes?  Just don’t wish for more wishes, that’s a total cockbag move.

*Not a guarantee