The Science of Defeating Zombies

If you’re like most people, you keep to your shack during daylight hours and have a shotgun loaded and ready to take out science if it ever dares set foot on your mountain. Living by your wits and the meat of muskrat got you this far in life, there’s no reason to turn to fruity scientists for any of their chicanery at this point in life. Or is there? There is. In case of zombies.

Zombies have been a thorn in the side of mankind since Jesus first returned from the dead and people weren’t sure if he wanted to eat them or not. And sure, the Jesus thing panned out OK, but what of all those other resurrected bastards? Nothing but shambolic wandering about and brain eating. They’re worse than Mormons.

But finally, thanks to Canadian scientists who lead the world wide zombie defense movement these days due to Canada’s unusually high volume of zombies, there is finally a legitimate scientific glimpse into what we’d have to do in case of a zombie attack.

As the BBC, a 100% legitimate news source reports, researchers at the University of Ottawa and Carleton University have delved into the zombie scourge and concluded we can’t fuck around when it comes to zombie, we have to get on that shit right away.

You can tell this study is hardcore because the lead researcher is named Dr. Robert Smith?. That wasn’t a question, the question mark is actually a part of his name. He works at a University, has determined how best to fend off a zombie attack, and has a question mark in his name. That is the best thing that has ever happened ever.

Basing their study on popular zombie themes from film and print, the researchers built a mathematical model and figured if we want to stop the total destruction of mankind, we best get to smashing zombie brains within the first few days. The model mimics some of what you’d expect to see in the spread of a disease, however, “the key difference between the zombies and the spread of real infections is that ‘zombies can come back to life’”. You can’t make this shit up, people. Well, we didn’t make it up, anyway.