The Pressures of a Porn Director

Carl! Carl! What the fuck are you doing, man? You’re killing me! Absolutely fucking killing me! You call yourself a cinematographer? You think you’re the next Gordon Willis or Conrad L. Hall? Well, guess what? Either of those two guys could light a cumshot in their sleep better than you can wide awake and standing three-feet away from the squirt.

We gave you a $78 dollar lighting budget for a reason! We knew that if we spent the most, we would get the best! But right now, I’m not seeing the best! Right now, I’m seeing under-lit penile excretion hanging off of Candy’s chins. Do you see it glistening? Do you think the masterbaters at home will want to jerk it to dim jizz? No! No, they won’t!  We have a very strict quality standard here at BloatedPussy.com, and you’re not meeting it! Our mission statement was written clearly and concisely. In it, it plainly states that we have an obligation to our viewers to bring them nothing but the finest and most highest quality videos of chicks getting fucking wrecked by dudes with mammoth cocks. It says that, verbatim! As I look before me, I see nothing but low quality footage, sub-par fucking, and a cock with no pizzazz.

And that brings me to you, Max. Your dick — are you fucking kidding me? Where’s its charisma today, man? Where’s its spark? Where’s its wonder? Dude, you have a veternie dick, but it’s acting like an amateur today. I remember waaaay back when you were just starting out. Remember that? Remember how lively your cock was? I didn’t even need to light the thing. Its vibrant persona damn near generated its own energy. If you would have fucked a power outlet, your dick could have lit entire cities — it was so lively! But now, it looks like it needs a Paxil prescription.

Let me ask you something. Actually, no. Let me ask your dick something. Max’s dick, are you feeling okay? Is everything alright at home? You seem a little, I don’t know, down. Less perky. You’re not firing as far as you used to, and I think I see couple of stress wrinkles. If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask –

Oh—oh, what’s that you say, Max’s dick? Candy looks about as exited to get fucked by a mammoth dick as someone that’s about to get audited? Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to agree with you there, Max’s dick. And, yes. Her makeup does make her face look like a Dali painting wrapped in a hippie’s underwear. I guess that’s what happens when you turn twenty-six and decide to get old and haggard and shit.

God, the level of unprofessionalism being displayed here today is fucking astounding. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for wanting to put your name on such trash. BloatedPussy.com is, according to Alexa.com, the three-millionth most visited site in the world. In the world! We have to deliver three-million quality! If you want to slack off, or be lazy, or be anything less than three-millionth, then you can just walk the fuck out and get yourself a job over at DookieSexers.org, where they wallow in their own three-and-a-half-millionth filth!

Do you guys want that kind of work on your demo reels? Do you want DookieSexers.org-type quality to be what people know you for? Do you want to hand a big shot Hollywood movie producer a demo reel with the kind of work they do over at DookieSexers.org? Huh? Do you want a Jerry Bruckheimer, or a Steven Spielberg to see the lambasted and impoverished pussies they use over at DookieSexers.org, because their shitty traffic stats don’t bring in the amount of cash a three-millionth site rakes in? Because if you do, I can guarantee you Spielberg will tell you to get the fuck out of his office with that shit. Believe me. I know. He’s gonna call that caliber of work “offensive,” and “degrading,” and “what are you, retarded?” Spielberg can pick out the quality work in a lineup of one-thousand videos of chicks getting pounded. Pounded by mammoth cocks. And Bruckheimer? Well…he’s a weird guy. So you might be able to get away with that. But, still! Standards, people! You’ve got to have them or you’ll just be another laughingstock like DookieSexers.org or, even worse, a ChewbacaCock.net.

Oh, yeah, you laugh when I mention ChewbacaCock.net.  We all know they’re a damn mess. But that could very easily be you…

…

…that could very easily – that could very easily be us, guys. And—and I really don’t want that. I mean, we were all influenced by my mom, here, right? Some of you laid some pipe on her. But when she died of that freak anus implosion back in ’99, you know what she told me just hours before her anus completely unfolded like a budding flower that was filled with all manner of bodily fluid. Most of his wasn’t her own. Do you know what she said to me that day? She said, “Dale, when I lucked out and during the internet boom of the late 90s, I was somehow able to secure the one thing that would keep food on my son’s table for the rest of his life. I was blessed by God with the BloatedPussy.com domain name. And I want you to carry its torch.”

She wanted me to carry that torch. And, in turn, I want you to hold it up with me. But the only way we can do that is if you do what I say, when I say it, and with as much passion and intensity as you ever given anything in your life. If you’re lighting a set of balls, you make those balls look like Paul Newman on the best day of his life. If you’re a camera operator, make follow the rhythmic bouncing of an ass on a man’s lap as smooth and velvety as the richest of German chocolates. And if you’re fucking, then fuck with pizzazz. Fuck with Moxy.

I believe in you all. And I just want this all to work. I want all of us to work together on this. I love you guys. Now, c’mon! Let’s get to work! What do you say?…Good!

Alright, first things first. Darla? Sweetie? You can stop sucking me off now. The speech is over. Thanks…You’ve got a little something on your chin ther—there you go. Got it. Wonderful. Let’s begin.