The MTV Experiment: 14 Hours in Commercialized Hell

In the 80s, MTV was a gift handed down by the Gods. It was a channel that spoke the language of the youth and it spoke it directly to them without a hint of pander. Then, in the 90s, MTV became like the future robots that will one day enslave and/or murder us all – MTV became self-aware. They started to realize that they actually had some influence on pop culture. Hell, they started to notice that they were pop culture, or, at the very least, the funnel with which pop culture is poured in to the mouths of identity hungry teens. After that moment (we’ll venture to guess that it started with either the Rock’n’Jock basketball/baseball games, or with the MTV Summer Beach House), MTV stopped being about what the kids are in to, and started being all about what the kids should be in to.

From that point on MTV has done nothing but degrade their own legacy just a little bit more with every passing year, and with every shitty TV show they manage to get an autistic seal to dream up; then write down on a piece of paper; then force to eat the paper, only to eventually shit it out and wait as to see which circle the idea-filled seal shit lands on — “Go in to Production” or “Save For Next Year.”

Seeing as I haven’t paid attention to MTV for just about a decade, I recently got to wondering, “What kind of programming does MTV play all day?” By now it’s common knowledge that MTV doesn’t play music videos, which is especially true what with their last video playing show, TRL, recently being canceled. Soooo…what do they do with all of those hours? I’ve heard of The Hills, but I have no clue as to what the hell it is. Do they still play Cribs? Punk’d, is that still a thing? So, with all of these questions in mind, I decided that it was time to give MTV a shot again Here’s how my little experiment works:

1)      I have to watch MTV all day. That means from 9 am (when they start to air their “quality programming”), to 11 pm (or whenever I am on the cusp of a mental meltdown).

2)      I cannot change the channel, NO MATTER WHAT.

3)      To get the full feel for the life of your average teenage MTV watcher, I must only eat food that is advertized during MTV commercial breaks and/or during their product placement heavy shows.

4)      Like number 3, I must also purchase 2 non-food products advertized on MTV.

5)      I will chronicle my every thought and reproduce it here, for you.

So are you ready to take this journey with me? Good. Let’s do this…

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9 A.M – 10 A.M: Degrassi

Degrassi is a show about high school teens in Canada, a country that (if I’m to judge by the show) I am surprised does not have many pedophiles seeing as every girl is bangable. Degrassi is also a show with a theme song that would easily fit in to the background of a commercial for acne medication.

Like nearly all shows about high schoolers, Degrassi covers every single topic in the “angst-y adolescent” spectrum — from pregnancy, to school shootings, and drugs, this show has covered all the ground. I’m actually surprised they have any more stories to tell, really. Yet, I can’t believe they haven’t explored how angst-ridden Canadian teens would react to a nuclear apocalypse, or a zombie holocaust. I would assume they would feel all stressed out for a bit, then get angsty in the 2^nd act, then learn a lesson about venereal disease and safe sex with flesh eating marauders just before the credits rolled.

Also, we here at Funny Crave are all for the abolishment of xenophobia and racism and such, but these kids are sickeningly diverse to the point of annoyance. They’re like a Toy’r’Us catalogue, just without the black kid in a wheel chai…oh, there he is.

…Holy Shit…wheel chair kid is Drake.

10 A.M. – 10:15 A.M: Food

I’m feeling a little hungry, so I head out to Taco Bell for some early Volcano burritos.  To my complete surprise, Taco Bell actually serves breakfast — breakfast as in eggs, bacon and sausage wrapped in tortillas. I had no clue.

My surprise in discovering this neat little fact doesn’t change the other, much more important fact: a Taco Bell breakfast has the consistency of glue and the taste of a live horse before it’s turned in to glue.

10:15 A.M. – Noon: Made

Made is a show that not only perpetuates stereotypes, but it shows emotionally disturbed teens how they can sellout everything they are just to compartmentalize themselves in to a more socially accepted, pre-packaged, thought devoid clique. It’s pretty entertaining.

This episode is all about an “Emo chick” (the show’s words, not mine) and her struggles in becoming a cheerleader. The best (or worst) part of the show is how it presents us with the harsh reality of teenage life (as it’s documented by a film crew, highly edited, and almost entirely fabricated). The truth is this: teenagers are fucking stupid. At one point in the episode there’s a phone conversation between Emo Chick and Friend of Emo Chick. Friend of Emo Chick tells Emo Chick not to sacrifice her personality for this whole cheerleading thing. This poignant moment is annihilated by the asteroid of stupidity that is the final 30 seconds of the conversation, which went exactly like this:

Friend of Emo Chick: “Alright?”

Emo Chick: “Alright!”

Friend of Emo Chick: “Alright?”

Emo Chick: “Alright!”

Repeat that pattern about 4 more times, then hit yourself with a fucking brick just so you can understand what it’s like to be Made in to a retard.

Noon – Noon: 01: HOLY SHIT! A MUSIC VIDEO (kind of)!

For the 30 seconds it takes for the credits of Made to roll, MTV decides to play a snippet of one of the most embarrassing displays of musicianship and musical artistry I’ve ever witnessed. The kid’s name is Justin Bieber, and I literally mean “kid.” He can’t be more than 14 or 15 years old, yet, he has a snippet of a video playing on MTV. This teenaged white kid is a rapper/singer like T-Pain. He’s one of those rappers/singers that makes frivolous music solely created to be played in dance clubs; the kind of shit that’s devoid of all artistic merit…again, like T-Pain…but white…and 15 years old.

How you can be a sellout by the age of 15 is something I can quite wrap my head around, but this douche did it. His video is littered with every modern rap video cliché out there: girls, a house party, people texting each other on Sidekicks as to notify one another of the impending party, and the word “Shorty.” The only problem is that everyone is 14 or 15 years old. Adding dancing girls to a music video is supposed to entice male genitalia. Popping in some 14 or 15 year old girls confuses my junk and makes it dizzy. Everything my eyes are seeing — the environment these girls are in, the lighting, the dancing, the slow-mo – it all tells my junk to be happy. But then my brain registers these girls as most likely having almost no pubic hair and little understanding that their vaginas are sexual tools.

Thanks 30 seconds of shitty, shitty, shitty music video. Now I want to have sex with 15 year old girls. I hate you MTV.

As a side note, that Taco Bell breakfast just poured out of me. I see no difference in either the shape or consistency between what I ate and what I shat. That can’t possibly be good. Also, getting sleepy. It’s only noon. Fuck.

Noon:01 – 3 P.M.: A Bunch of Boring Stuff

Nothing that interesting happened in this block of MTV viewing. Just a few dating shows that are so heavily scripted and so poorly acted that I, for just a moment, actually wondered if I was watching real people on my screen, or if it was some kind of low budget stop motion animation using dead-eyed sex dolls in lieu of humans.

I’m still not entirely sure.

Also, to satisfy my product purchasing requirements, I ran out to my local drug store and picked up a couple of products that I saw on some commercials: a box of Trojan Ecstasy condoms and some Axe Chocolate scented body spray. I purchased these at the same time. With this combination of items I’m almost certain the woman behind the counter thought I was a 13-year-old boy that hit puberty at 4. The woman behind the counter (who looks a cross between Gollum from Lord of the Rings, Drew Carey, and a mug shot of a child molester) gave me a flirty/repugnant look that will stay with me for a long, long time and will somehow creep itself in to my masturbatory fantasies, causing me to clench my dong in terror.

The only thing that could’ve saved me the embarrassment I went though while buying this combination of sundries would be if I had purchased the Trojans and an actual axe. That’s a combination that can get you arrested, but the story behind it would sure-as-shit be something to hear.

Oh, and I purchased some Hot Pockets for lunch.

3 P.M. – 5 P.M.: Teen Cribs

Baby Cribs will be the MTV's next inexplicable smash hit

FUCK THESE FUCKING HOT POCKETS!! AHHH, THEY BURN LIKE…AHHH FUCK SIMILES AND FUCK METAPHORS!! THE FUCKERS BURN! SHIT!

So, the Hot Pockets were hot. Whatever, I took off my shirt because I got lava-like marinara sauce all over it, only to spill some elastic-y mozzarella on my chest 1-inch away from my left nipple. The pain subsides and is replaced by a new pain: Teen Cribs. Four episodes of Teen Cribs.

Who are these kids? Are they the spawn of celebrities? Because I only want to take a tour of the over-compensating-for-something homes of children that originated from the genitalia of celebrities both big and small, as well as the interchangeable and frivolous.

The homes are essentially very comfy and palatial prisons these parents have built for their children to shield them from the scary outside world, and to keep an eye on them. This isn’t even my own assumption; it’s what every parent says during the parental interview portion of the show. So either these parents are eccentric billionaires that have passed their lunacy and paranoia down to their children, or they all live in that one mythical land that exists in the heads of every soul that wanders a post-apocalyptic wasteland. That one, single place where life…is as it should be…

5 P.M. -6 P.M.: Is She Really Going Out With Him?

This show fucking sucks. It’s all about dumb Guido bitches that look like monkeys with radioactive tans and that sport enough eye shadow to properly conceal the black eyes their douchey, roid’ed-up boyfriends probably give them. The idiocy of both the shitty boyfriends and the very, very stupid girlfriends is played for laughs, but the laughs never happen. Instead, we are given an hour’s worth of some of the saddest shit ever. It’s hard to believe that I’m even the same species as these people.

Oh, and that reminds me. I should spray myself with a little Axe body spray.

This show is on at the same time as Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck is the final nail in the coffin of human dignity. He’s a repulsive, obnoxious slob-ish man-child who should cram his tin foil hat up his ass so it can be closer to the top of his head…

…I’d rather be watching Glenn Beck right now.

6 P.M. – 10:30-ish P.M.: The Hills/The City (maybe?) + Sleep

Alright, so the Axe made me nauseous, and a bit dizzy. It’s not that I chose to fall asleep, it’s more like the Axe was Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell and I was a guard aimlessly walking a hall with pipes that run above it. The shit just kind of snuck up on me and knocked me out.

And while we’re on the subject, chocolate scented Axe does not smell like chocolate. It smells the way chocolate would smell after most of the human race has been wiped out and the few people that remain attempted to create a synthetic approximation of chocolate in an underground lab.

The Axe made me very dizzy, and all of the terrible food I’ve eaten throughout the day has my intestines and colon blaming each other for the river of shit they’re treading in.

I try to watch The Hills (or maybe it was The City?), but I just can’t pay attention.

I feel like I’m going out of my fucking mind. My ass is sore, my tummy hurts, my eyes hate me, and everything sucks. I try to stay awake but my body really doesn’t want to do that. In an attempt to keep myself awake, I try to do something with the Axe and the condoms I bought.

I don’t have a girl to use the condoms on, so I end up just sitting on my couch, naked, with a rubber on my flaccid penis as I periodically spray my marinara stained chest with chocolate Axe – all while I stare, mouth agape, astonished at the level of retardation of the Hill people.

I knocked out and woke up in my bed the next morning. The condom was still on and, thankfully, my TV was off.

All in all, I would say that MTV hasn’t changed that much; a bunch of bullshit that drove me insane, and 30 seconds of one terrible music video.

Good Job Music Television!  You guys fucking suck!