Tracking down the most retarded lyrics in the Black Eyed Peas songbook is a bit like finding a jackass at the FOX network.  It seems to be so simple at first, but then you have no idea where to begin.  A good example of what I mean can be seen right here;

I’m on the supersonic boom
Y’all hear the space shit zoom

Electric shock, energy like a million watts,
Space be boom and the speakas pop,

Futuristic musically
Mind will fold with energy
From the soul we sonically

Sub-sonic mega bolt base from the kickin’

Those are four lyrics from four different songs.  What do they have in common aside from being mostly gibberish?  They read like something L. Ron Hubbard would have danced to and have inherently no meaning beyond sounding vaguely space-aged.  Those four songs are on the same damn album.  These people literally have nothing to say.  But despite that, I jumped in and tried to find the dumbest thing they’ve ever said.  Sadly, this list is not comprehensive.  I can’t very well just post the lyrics to all their songs.  But it’s a start.

The Song – Hands up

The Lyrics – Let me fuck up your ear till my sperm is up

The Reason – What the fuck does that even mean?  And if it means anything like what it sounds like it means, fuck you.  Fuck each and every black eyed pea in the band.  You don’t cum in someone’s ear, man.  You’ll get ear herpes.  Or worse.  Hitler ear AIDS.  No one wants that.

And even aside from the basic logistics of what I assume is being proposed here, the awkward wording makes this pretty much preposterous.  Till my sperm is up?  Does that indicate Will.i.am or whoever graced us with those lyrics has some kind of spermeter that needs to build up to an appropriate level (based on time, pressure, viscosity or whatever) before he’s able to spooge?  I don’t need to know that.

DURRR!!

The Song – My Humps

The Lyrics – I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff, Milky, milky cocoa

The Reason –  Because I don’t know what this means and the only things I can imagine are far stupider than what it must really mean because there’s no way these lyrics are as stupid as they sound. If they were that stupid, someone at the record label would have had to have said “Hey guys, this part here about the cocoa puffs, it makes you sound like you should all be wearing helmets and biting each other.”

The Song – my Humps

The Lyrics - What you gon’ do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans?

The Reason – My God but this song sucks.  Is there ever a scenario in real life when someone would ask this question of another human being?  How is it ok to say this in a song when, if you said this to someone in real life, you might actually give them a nosebleed from trying to determine whether to be offended or whether you need your meds?  This is literally one of the dumbest fuck things I have ever heard.  And then the second part, the clarification of where the ass is located, in case we’re dealing with two complete idiots (and we are, arguably, since Fergie is responding) just plummets this whole thing into a toilet of despair and dumbfuckery.  Hey, what’s with that ass?  By that I mean the ass you seem to be keeping in your pants.  Yes, that’s the ass I mean.  Do you have plans for that ass?

The Song – My Humps

The Lyrics – What you gon’ do wit all that breast? All that breast inside that shirt?

The Reason -  I can’t explain why this line, which is precisely the same as the previous line, is somehow even stupider.  Something about “all that breast inside that shirt” just sounds like the product of a thalidomide FAS baby trying to be hip.  If a guy at a bar used this line, or anything even bordering on it, to really try to pick up a woman, I think the government would be required under the Geneva Convention to send a crew of men who have no known identities to just come and burn this fucker’s house down.

DURRR!!!

The Song – My Humps

The Lyrics -  They say I’m really sexy, The boys they wanna sex me

The Reason -  I wish I knew who wrote the songs for this band, I do.  I want to know how they are actually able to write.  Near as I can figure, they have to be written by either someone with a Stephen Hawking intellect and a sense of sarcasm so profoundly hilarious that if you were to spend an evening talking with them, your brain would actually wither and recede from the inside of your skull under the onslaught of humor that is so extensive, so multi-layered and in depth that no one had even come close to imagining something so hilarious before.  Or it’s a monkey that’s been taught too much pop culture slang.

The Song – Boom Boom Pow

The Lyrics – I be rockin’ the beats

The Reason – For fuck’s sake, Black Eyed Peas.  I had to read the lyrics to every song these guys have recorded and did you know that 90% of their songs aren’t even about anything?  They’re actually about the song that is currently being sung.  That’s meta-retarded.  Yes, we know you be rockin the beats.  It’s all you sons of bitches do.  Almost every album they have recorded is devoted to letting us know they are rocking beats or looking to party somewhere.  I’m not even exaggerating.

The Song – I Got a Feeling

The Lyrics - tonight’s gonna be a good good night

The Reason -  This song is massively popular and it pretty much says “I’ve got a feeling tonight’s going to be a good night” over and over for about three solid minutes.  So why should such a forgettable line in a forgettable song merit a place along side the illustrious lyrics of My Humps?  Because not only is this song about nothing, it’s about less than every other song about nothing.  It’s not even present tense nothing, it’s having an incline about nothing that’s going to happen later today.  And in this specific line they needed an extra beat so to accentuate the point, it went from being a good night to a good good night.  Are you fucking kidding?

The Song – Missing You

The Lyrics – If loving you is wrong Then it must be wrong

The Reason – Really, Black Eyed Peas?  If loving you is wrong is how you started this and then, after searching through any number of time-tested cliché follow ups, like “I don’t wanna be right” the brain trust at Pea central decided on “then it must be wrong.” Let’s try that line of reasoning with other statements.

If this cereal is made from corn, then it’s made from corn.

If this hooker has VD, then she has VD.

If our career is a joke, then it’s a joke.

DURRR?

The Song – Out of my Head

The Lyrics – When I see a boy, Imma say wassup

The Reason – Jesus, no one’s even trying any more.  Aside from the rape of grammar that we can’t exclusively lay at the feet of the Black Eyed Peas, look what this statement is saying.  This is equivalent to sayin “when I have a full bladder, I will urinate” or “when my car is low on gas, I will have to go to a filling station and refuel.”  No shit.  Much like movies don’t need to show us the minute by minute real-time minutia bullshit in a person’s life, neither does a 2 minutes song need to express to us how you plan on greeting someone.

The Song – Electric City

The Lyrics – Bitches on my dick (Oh No) They on my dildo

The Reason – I honestly don’t think there’s any way to explain this better than the line itself does.

The Song – Electric City

The Lyrics – Killer on the lose like I’m Jeffrey Dahmer

The Reason – This song came out on the Peas’ 2009 album.  Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was beaten to death in 2004.  He was arrested in 1991.  Jeffery Dahmer was in prison before most Black Eyed Peas fans were even born.  Way to choose a topical example, guys.

The Song – Going Gone

The Lyrics - He ain’t doing what he did from the start And that’s putting in some feeling and thought

The Reason – How the band can sing these lyrics without choking is amazing.  It’s a song about a musician who gets famous and becomes very materialistic and no longer sings songs with heart or meaning.  And the fucking Black Eyed Peas sing it.  The people who sing “My Humps.”  The people who have songs like “Boom Boom Pow” that aren’t even about anything.  Seriously, what is that song about?  They took the time to voice their opinion on people who sing soulless music.  For fuck’s sake.

The Song – Disco Club

The Lyrics – We gonna break it on down Rub it on your belly like a ultrasound

The Reason – Rub it on your belly like an ultrasound?  What does planned parenthood have to do with anything here?  Was there no other metaphor that could have been used in this instance?  Nothing?

The Song – Union

The Lyrics – I barely keep my head above the tide I got this mortgage, got three kids at school

The Reason – This is one of the Black Eyed Peas’ songs about world peace.  I think they put one on every album, written with all the wide eyed impracticality you’d expect from a 3rd grader.  But their appeal to the every man in the above lyric is awesome.  You have a mortgage and kids in school, do ya?  How much is that mortgage?

There’s nothing wrong with singing a terrible, terrible song about world peace, but come on.  An international headlining hip hop act shouldn’t pull this country bumpkin “I’m just like you, I have a mortgage” bullshit, especially on the same album that featured, you guessed it, My Humps.  Those words succeed in making the band sound like complete retards in ways you never thought possible.

DURDURDUR!!

The Song – Labor Day (It’s a Holiday)

The Lyrics – Actually, just the title of the song

The Reason – Labor Day is the single most boring holiday in the calendar year, and less deserving of a song than Arbor Day.

The Song – Smells Like Funk

The Lyrics – Stinkin’ like fat ladies shittin’ out Logs

The Reason – Stinkin’ like fat ladies shittin’ out Logs.