The Louvre Gets a McDonald’s, Art Dies

Art masterpieces and chemically altered food-like products go hand-in-hand, historically speaking, of course. It’s common knowledge that Da Vinci couldn’t have completed The Last Supper unless he had a Whopper tearing its way through his digestive tract. Michelangelo couldn’t have painted the Sistine Chapel had it not been for the strict Baconator and large Frosty diet that kept him fueled for an astounding hour and a half before he passed out in a mini-diabetic stupor. And who doesn’t know that the only reason Picasso’s paintings were so abstract was because of his dedication to pounding pepperoni pan pizzas and Grande Value meals from the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut just down the street from his chateau? No one, that’s who.

Corporate fast food chains have played such an integral part in art history, yet that portion of artistic inspiration has been largely ignored by the snobby, artsy, anti-semi-synthetic food crowd that makes up the art world…until now.

There are 1,142 McDonald’s in France and they’re about to get one more in one of the most famous art museums in the world, the Louvre. As McDonald’s celebrates its 30^th year of expanding French waistlines, they’ve worked out a deal with the world famous museum to place a McDonald’s restaurant, as well as a chic McCafe, just a few yards from its front doors.

For the Louvre this means a whole new set of rules and regulations that have to be imposed upon visitors as to insure the integrity of the magnificent works of art inside. For example, when you have to take a dump halfway through a Big Mac, you can no longer release your bowels on the museum floor like you used to be able to. The reason for this is the Big Mac’s high oil content. Lots of grease in the food means more liquid waste that has a tendency to splatter. Before this, patrons could only lay solid logs on the beautiful marble floors without reservation.

The deal has already inspired author Dan Brown to pen another sequel to The Da Vinci Code tentatively titled “The Hamburgler’s Prophecy,” in which rouge Symbiologist Robert Langdon returns to the Louvre on a quest to find the sure-to-be controversial divine origins of Ronald McDonald using the McDonald’s golden arches as a codex (the golden arches are an ancient Mayan symbol for promiscuity, as well as an Egyptian Hieroglyph for big, meaty boobs).