The Life of a Tila Tequila Bodyguard

If you know of Tila Tequila then we apologize, that’s a wrinkle in your brain that could have been used to store a Walt Whitman quote or an extra digit of pi that you’ll never get back now.  But since the damage is already done, read on and see what she’s actually just become culturally significant.

Out in Hollywood there’s a company called The Bodyguard Group.  These guys are professional bodyguards and have been protecting celebrities and others for over 40 years.  They’re extremely professional and are very well known for just that fact.  They’ve lasted this long because they’re some of the most serious, well trained and professional men in the business.  They’re owned and operated by US Veterans and they don’t fuck around.  Unless you make them.

Tila Tequila was recently one of their clients and pushed the company so far they actually had to put out a press release about her, something they have never done before.  What kind of press release?  Glad you asked, kids.  A hilarious press release.

After Ms. Tequila decided to publicly insult other clients of the agency, accuse one of her bodyguards of impregnating her and constantly calling paparazzi to come and meet her when the bodyguards were trying to quietly do favors for her, they gave up.

According to the bodyguards,

Tila has serious self medication & emotional problems that we pray that she can get professional treatment and help with. The Bodyguard Group has tried a brief intervention with her once but failed to get through to her.

If you can believe it, she self-medicates.  FunnyCrave is allotting you 10 minutes to come to terms with this revelation.

The company goes on to explain that Tila was broke and they offered their services for free, including taking her to a place where she could get some cash for her jewelry, only to find the jewelry was fake and the paparazzi were waiting for them.  Should have tried Dollars for Gold.

Given what we now know, FunnyCrave forensic scientists have managed to put together a day in the life of a Tila Tequila bodyguard.  Here’s what it looks like.

6:00 am:  Shift change.  Arrive on scene, get report from previous shift including locations on lawn where Tila may have vomited, pissed or shat.

10:00 am:  Tila awakes long enough to eat a Zoloft and gin sandwich.

10:10 am: Tila accesses Twitter to say something stupid.

12:00 pm:  Tila awakes again, real shift begins.  Observe Tila shrieking and throwing cutlery at unseen spirits for 15 minutes.

12:15pm:  Provide tissues until she stops crying.

1:25pm: Tila accesses Twitter to say something stupid.

1:30pm:  Stand idly while Tila calls paparazzi then wait while she poses on lawn.

1:45pm:  Provide tissues to clean vomit, piss and shit off her feet.

1:50pm: Observe Tila eat lunch of Prozac and bologna.

1:55p,:  Tila accesses Twitter to say something stupid.

2:00pm:  Accompany Tila to nowhere in particular as she tries to get spontaneously photographed.

2:10pm:  Tila accesses Twitter to say something stupid.

2:45pm:  Tila uses phone to call paparazzi again as spontaneous photo op has not occurred.

2:50pm:  Tila accesses Twitter to say something stupid.

3:00pm:  Pose for photos.

3:30pm:  Keep crowds back as Tila spins in circles crying out for lost lover/pet/neighbor/socks

4:55pm:  Tila access Twitter to say something stupid.

5:00pm:  Nap

6:00pm:  Shift change.  Bring next shift up to speed. Sharing knowing look and shake hands.

7:00pm: Tila awakes.  Hold her hair back as she vomits bologna and percocets.  Wait as she then eats more bologna and percocet.

7:15pm:  Tila accesses Twitter to say something stupid.

8:00pm-10:00pm – Club hop until Tila finds an establishment willing to let her in.

10:30pm:  Provide tissues and try to block crying Tila from onlookers.

10:45pm:  Stand idly and wait for paparazzi Tila just called.

10:55pm:  Ignore questions from paparazzi who want to know why she keeps calling them.

11:00pm-3:00am:  Attempt to keep Tila from passing out in her own vomit, piss or shit.

3:05am:  Tila access Twitter to say something stupid.  Passes out.

6:00am:  Shift change.