The History of Memorial Day

Do you know a veteran?  If so, buy them a beer this Memorial Day weekend.  Unless the veteran you know is a total dick, of course.  In that case, don’t do shit for them.  Nothing at all.  Serving your country doesn’t give you any more reason to be an asshole than being in a wheelchair does.

Sure, being shot at in the name of freedom or being noodle-legged would suck all kinds of suck, but still, you don’t get to be a dick because of it, ok?  I guess what I’m saying is, I’ll punch a person in a wheelchair if the situation calls for it.

Shit, what is this story about again?  Right, the history of Memorial Day.  Here you go, kid…

Memorial Day began when an unknown former member of an elite United States Army Special Forces unit entered the town of Hope, Washington on foot.  This brave soldier was run off by the overzealous town sheriff but quickly returned and was arrested.

After being brutalized by unscrupulous officers at the town police station, the soldier escaped into the nearby mountains after overpowering most of the officers and stealing a motorcycle.  After being pinned down by a helicopter, the soldier amazingly escaped death by throwing a rock, which brought the copter crashing to the ground.  Can you believe that?

At that point, the town sheriff was furious and decided to send several of his men into the woods to hunt down the wily soldier.  But no luck.  Our hero neutralized them all.  His powers were so devastating that the national guard eventually had to be called in.  Like, for real.  The national guard.

At one point, the National Guard had the soldier cornered, but he escaped into a collapsed mine and stole an army truck and drove it back into town and shot some shit up and eventually surrendered or killed himself depending on whether you’re reading the book or watching the movie.

And that’s the history of Memorial Day.