The High School Peter Pan Disaster

High school theater is a curious thing.  Like hobo cuisine or media ethics, you can put the words together but somehow the end result rings a little hollow.  Still, people try, so why not cook yourself up a dead rat in a spiced Thunderbird reduction and enjoy 1:49 of Greenport High School’s Peter Pan.

Unfortunately for internet audiences and fucked-up flying rig aficionados, we only get that clip, coming in just shy of two minutes.  But the whole play was so much longer and full of more mirth and unique directing choices.  Lucky for you, one of our FunnyCrave interns sleeps in an alley near Greenport High School and sneaked into the auditorium to keep warm that night, so he got the inside scoop on everything.  Here are some highlights.

• Captain Hook’s hook is actually a condom stuffed with gravel.
• They used real Pixie Dust for all of Tinkerbell’s scenes.  Pixie Dust, of course, being PCP.  After the show the 17 year old actress put both her fists through a car windshield and shit on a squirrel.
• In the second act, Peter and Robocop team up to destroy Khan
• Wendy was played by an aggressive, Hispanic midget for the first half of the show
• Peter initially tried to fly with a jet pack before the ill-fated flying rigs were used.  Much of Mr. Thompson’s 3^rd period class died in the fire.
• All 4 sex scenes were very tastefully done, but included the use of strobe lighting
• The original song “I’m Fuckin Flyin!” actually borrowed too heavily from “We Are the World.”
• Neverland was played by special gust star Lou Ferrigno.  The kids just walked on his back during those scenes.
• The Lost Boys were actually played by the cast of the movie The Lost Boys, with the exception of Kiefer Sutherland who couldn’t make it because he still has pride.  However, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman stayed late and begged for change.
• Smee was a robot
• The Crocodile was played by Joan Rivers
• Any scenes that took place on the pirate ship were accompanied by someone setting off the sprinkler system.
• Peter’s costume was made entirely of latex and Skittles
• For 10 minutes in the middle of the play, everything switches to pantomime.
• In the opening 12 minutes, when Peter and the kids storm the beaches at Normandy, 59 cast members died
• At the end of the play, when the British are torturing Peter to make him beg for mercy, he cries out “Freedom!” and Scottish rabble storm the stage.  14 more cast members died.