The Future of Masturbation is NOW

So, I was in the middle of typing up a little something about some otaku loser in Japan that married a body pillow with a picture of some busty anime character on it, when I got a knock on my door. It was friend of mine that’s moving to Huston tomorrow and he came by to pick up his Xbox 360, because mine got red ringed and is currently being fixed by Microsoft. He asked what I was working on and I told him about the Japanese pillow loser. This, for some reason, sparked a memory in his head. Something I’m going to write about right now.

I’ve written about weird male sex toys in the past. If you haven’t read the article I just linked to, you should. It’s pure comedic brilliance. I wrote it. I should know. Anyway, I did a fair amount of research for that male sex toys article, yet I somehow managed to miss this insane foray in to the world of computer to dick interfacing. The masturbator is called the Real Touch (NSFW), and it’s kind of like wearing a virtual reality helmet that puts you right in the middle of the action. But instead of wearing it on your face, you wrap it around your penis.

How it works is, you place the jerk off toy in front of you. As you can see from the picture, it looks like your usual male masturbator toy, just a bit bulkier. Then you plug a ridiculous amount of cables in to your computer, along with a small little tower that kind of looks like a router or a modem. A few steps later, you watch a porn video that’s been synced up with the Real Touch and then, like someone watching a cooking show while trying to make the very same meal they’re watching being made, the Real Touch begins to mimic every movement and sensation that the female porn star performs on the guy’s dick. In other words, you’re getting robo-fucked by proxy.

The device is $199, and since the service is only avaible through their website, you have to buy minuets like a pay-as-you-go cell phone, but instead of getting to call your granny for free on nights and weekends, you’re cuming in to a machine that looks like two treadmills running side-by-side.

We humans tend to worry about over population. But, never fear. With just a few more scientific advancements like the Real Touch, there will soon be a day in our future where trying to find a women to have sex with you will be a thing of the past, and seeing someone with a baby will be like seeing someone today wearing a Members Only jacket and talking about how awesome Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure looks on their new Betamax player.