The Diary of Adam Lambert

Dear Diary,

I’m scared that people may be on to me.  ABC cancelled those performances and my name is slipping out of the news again.  Do they know?  It’s hard to say.  My agent assures me no one knows, how could they?  How could anyone even suspect?  Still, I look at Clay Aiken and I shudder.  But not for the normal reasons, just because, you know?

Diary, I miss ladies.  I really do.  I want boob.  This pretending to be gay in order to be famous thing is tough.  And I’m giving it.  I mean, really.  I’m going 110% gay here.  Ultra gay.  There’s me and there’s Richard Simmons and then a handful of dudes in parades who wear nothing but yellow feathers.  Elton John wishes he could be this gay.  Have you even seen me without makeup on in the last year?  Why do I need makeup?  What on earth does that have to do with being gay? Every time I got out in public I look like a transvestite man-raven.

Thank God Barbara Walters and her producer got me on the View.  I lost New Years Ever, I lost Jimmy Kimmel, I lost Good Morning, America.  It’s like being gay isn’t cool any more or something.  And frankly, I refuse to believe being gay isn’t cool.  What’s that, diary?  You don’t see what makes being gay cool?  Pshaw, diary.  You are crazy.  Need I remind you of these people???

Ellen Degeneres

 

Ellen’s been doing stand up comedy since about 1980.  1980!  My god, that’s practically another century.  She got a sitcom in 1994 and do you know how popular it was?  Do you have any idea, diary?  It sucked.  It was worse than being punched in the nuts by a man with a brick in his hand.  It was worse than not being able to have sex with women (and man do I love sex with women).  It was terrible.  Then in 1997 she told everyone she was gay.

Since coming out, Ellen has gotten her own daytime talk show, she’s hosted the Emmy’s and the Academy Awards and she gets to bone Portia de Rossi.  I’ll be gay for 15 years if it means I get to bone Portia de Rossi, fuck yeah!

Queer Eye

 

This show dropped at the height of gay chic in the early 2000s and people ate it up.  Because of this show, people know who Ted Allen is.  Maybe that’s a bad example, but the fact is this show made dressing gay but not being gay popular.  In fact, this show openly acknowledged a distinction between the way gay people dress and act and the way straight people dress and act.  Because where your penis goes when you’re with another person has a hell of a lot more to do with fashion sense and interior design than you’d ever imagined.  Ever, diary.  Ever.

Before this show was on TV, Trading Spaces was the only interior design show anyone ever watched.  And sure, I’d bang that Paige chick but come on.  That show sucks.

 

Sir Ian McKellen

 

Do you know who this is?  This is freakin’ Magneto.  And Gandalf.  And he’s like 100.  And he’s a knight.  If an elderly gay English dude can be a knight, the most badass X-Man villain of all time and the white wizard who took out the Balrog, then gay is pretty much as cool as cool can get.  If gay were a movie it would be like The Fast and the Furious, only with a decent cast of good actors and a believable story and cooler cars and hotter women.  It would be nothing like The Fast and the Furious.  God how I wish my life was nothing like The Fast and the Furious.  Is it just me or was that movie a total ripoff of Point Break, anyway?

Will and Grace

 

This was one of the worst shows in the history of ever and it was nominated for 83 Emmy’s.  No shit.  It even won 16.  You can argue the Emmy’s are as soulless as the Grammy’s and I’ll stand up and applaud (I want me some Grammy’s), because hey, who cares.  This show had one of the most atrocious hay characters ever who was little more than a prissy walking stereotype but middle class families love that shit.  They love it.  And dammit, they love me.   As long as I’m exotically gay on television, I’m pretty non-threatening.  Like Will and Grace, it’s not like I can come into your house and accidentally give you gay.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

 

This show did more for gay than Oscar Wilde with an army of boys in hot pants could have wished to accomplish.  It made gay a totally bad ass misfit teen thing.  Misfit teens are actually 85% of all teens, they’re the perfect demographic.  Everyone who’s a vegan, an artist, goth, short, a redhead, a virgin, on Ritalin, listens to indie music, makes indie music, goes to raves, wears black, has more than one tattoo that isn’t faggy (I can totally say that, it’s cool), loves Tim Burton, reads comic books, suffered an inferiority complex, was self assured of their own genius or compulsively masturbates found a reason to like Buffy and they tossed in a lesbian couple.  Fuck yeah!

John Amaechi

 

This was a big one, diary.  Certain people don’t take a shine to gay, generally jocks and athletic types, with the exception of women because many of them are so gay they’re actually super gay.  Super gay, as you recall, is when you can gay from across a room without actually touching each other.  It’s weird.

Anyway, John Amaechi used to play basketball and after he retired he came out as gay ans that probably freaked out all the dudes who used to shower with him, but it made those free thinking people who watch American Idol think “Good for you!” and that, in turn, was good for me.  Because gay is trendy.  It’s like an iPhone for who you like to hump.  Oh neat!  You hump men and you are one.  I want to subscribe to your newsletter!

Carrie Prejean

 

Sometimes the best spokesperson for a thing is a buffoon.  Look at PETA.  If not for them, there’d probably be no animal abuse in the world.  Their ads actually make people want to test eye liner on monkeys.  And then I buy that eye liner and wear a shit ton of it, but that’s neither here nor there.  Animal testing is wrong, fuck you, PETA.

Carrie Prejean set the acceptance of homosexuality ahead years by engaging in such a string of buffoonery it’s almost hard to take seriously.  I wonder if she’s secretly trying to bang Portia de Rossi as well.  Anyway, every time she gets in the news it’s to dig herself deeper in to a hole of stupidity.  First she’s a good Christian against gay marriage, then she’s an amateur porn star who has spazzy fits on Larry King.  Next week we’re probably going to all wake up to pictured of her doing Larry King online.  No one wants to feel like they share the same ideals as someone this stupid.

t.A.T.u

 

This is the most successful Russian band of all time.  And sure, maybe that doesn’t mean much, who the hell is the second most successful Russian band of all time?  For all we know, the second one was a bear with a jug that sold 6 albums to people in a gulag.  But t.A.T.u sold millions of albums.  And why?  Cuz they’re totally gay, but just for pretend.

No one gives two shits what these girl do on stage, it’s two hot girls making out and that is cool to most people.  Sure, if the AMA’s taught me anything it’s that a dude doing the same thing doesn’t get the same reaction, but the precedent has been set.  People want to accept gay.

See, I’m totally right, diary.  Gay is where it’s at.  I think maybe my problem is the whole KISS thing I did, or the fact is tend to wear more and more foundation make up each time I’m out in public.  I mean, look at Richard Simmons.  He doesn’t do any of that.  He just wears short shorts and acts fruity.  Am I trying too hard?  Have I skipped super gay and gone right to ghey?  Shit…maybe I need to tone it back.  Maybe I need to go all Angelina Jolie and be bi, and then adopt a bunch of kids and become respectable.

Hmm…

Oh well, diary, it’s time to go.  I have tweets to Twitter and mascara to apply.  Wish me luck!