Our task was a simple one – jump on the bandwagon that every other website is on by writing an article about the internet phenomenon/degradation of humanity that is Chatroulette.com.  Only we decided to try to make it slightly original.  How?  By going on a scavenger hunt to find 13 separate yet equally (and by equally we mean not at all equally) awesome things/people on the site.

• A dude jerking off
• A chick with her boobs out
• A sign asking to see boobs
• A guido
• Someone playing a musical instrument
• A group of three or more people
• A furry
• Someone in a superhero mask
• Someone with an afro
• A shirtless dude with the cam focused on his chest or abs
• A still image
• Someone with a Nazi flag
• A celebrity

Here are the horrifying results.

A Dude Jerking Off

Luis

Did I get a dude jerking off?

Yes. Yes I did. Seven of them, in fact.  I should note that the masturbator on the left column in the middle, the one that looks like his torso is made of marshmallows, had his camera set up in such a way that it seemed like his dick was being projected in 3D. When I saw it, I was taken aback. I thought the internet had gone sentient and was about to fuck my face silly with a cyber dick made of 1’s and 0’s. Like Skynet, but in dick form.

One strange phenomenon I encountered had to deal with my response to the masturbators. Every time I saw one, I typed the phrase “I Want To Shit On Your Balls,” just to see the reaction I would get. Most of the masturbators treated me like I was a freak. As soon as I left that comment, you’d see their hands veer away from their dicks, pause for a second, then rush over to the F9 key like pressing it would prevent a herd of zombies from ripping apart their family.  Apparently, when it comes to jerking off on Chat Roulette, this is the golden rule: Sure, you can use it to jack off all you want for the viewing pleasure of absolutely anyone…just don’t be weird about it.  1 POINT

Fortey

We had to find a dude masturbating, which is like being told to go to Sarah Palin’s house and find an idiot.  In light of that, please enjoy the above collage of the first 9 guys I found jerking off, up to the point I got sick of trying to screencap them all.  Pay special attention to the bottom row in the center.  Is that Woody from Toy Story?  Yes it is. 1 POINT

Adam

You know what would have been more challenging than finding a dude masturbating on Chat Roulette?  Anything.  That’s not hyperbole.  There is literally nothing on this planet that is easier than finding a dude whacking it on Chat Roulette.  Chess, Wii Bowling, first grade spelling, breathing.  All far more challenging than crossing this item off the list.

Of the approximately 50,000 cocks I saw in the hour or so I spent on Chat Roulette, I chose to highlight this one because of the extra effort that he put into it by making that sign.  It really made me feel engaged.  Like I was a part of the sexual atrocity taking place in front of me.  This man is on a journey, and for a brief moment, I was invited to tag along on that journey with him.  Godspeed, you freaky weirdo.  1 POINT

A Chick With Her Boobs Out

Luis

I’m sorry to report that in all my adventures, I did not encounter a single girl with her tits on display, nor could I talk a girl in to taking out her tits. I am saddened, and I know I’m a disappointment to you all. I’m sorry. But, please, take the above as an offering.

It’s a picture of when I talked a girl in to masturbating.  Consider it a consolation prize. I didn’t even have to do much smooth talking. She was already in her underwear when I got partnered up with her, and after she said that she was horny, all I had to so was type one of the creepier things I’ve ever typed: “Just move them to the side,” which I followed up with “Just Lovely,” as if I were closely examining a piece of pottery on the Antiques Road show.

No tits, but I should get some kind of points for it.  0 POINTS

Fortey

Our  next challenge was much more elusive – find a girl with her breasts exposed.  As I was simply showing a picture of Italian stereotype Buddha, I was not garnering a ton of female attention.  Lucky for me, some people hastily have their boobs at the ready before they even know who they’re going to be talking to.  You can’t tell, but they’re pierced!  Thank you, pierced lady!

Was that the end of my boob extravaganza?  Hell no, check this out!  1 POINT

Adam

Internet, get ready to have your world view rocked.  Turns out, women flashing their goods on the internet for the benefit of total strangers are a rarity (when they aren’t being paid for it).  If the boob to penis ratio was even close to being equal, Chat Roulette would be one of the greatest technological advances of the modern age.  But alas, when it comes to nudity, the fellas run the show.  The nasty, hairy show.

Nevertheless, I still managed to find two chicks with their cans out.  While one was doing a little bit of a dance and being all sultry and shit, I like this one better, mostly because of the haphazard manner in which she has her shirt pulled up.  Dancing and shimmying for the camera implies premeditation.  This chick, on the other hand, looks like she had five minutes to kill and decided to slip into a broom closet with her netbook and show the world her bare breasts.  That rules.  1 POINT

A Guido

Luis

I call this guy a “Guido” because he’s tanned and greasy. And because I think his ears should have fire extinguishers on them just in case his hair is set ablaze. Also, his reaction is a direct result of me telling him that “I want to shit on your balls.” He had his shirt off, so I figured he was masturbating.  1 POINT

Fortey

Next was one that proved more challenging than I would have imagined: a guido.  Given the popularity of Jersey Shore and the relative stupidity of people who are Jersey Shore fans, I assumed this would be a sure thing, but man, I had to watch a lot of dudes wanking before I found this character.

Honestly, he barely registers as a guido, too.  Look at him – onset of puberty mustache and no sleeves.  Doubtful he calls himself the Situation, but he may go around telling people he’s The Circumstance.  0 POINTS

Adam

Remarkably, I found nary a guido during my time on Chat Roulette.  Honestly, I thought those things were everywhere.  Could have just been bad timing though.  I was logged on at approximately midnight ET, I assume most guidos are at some Axe Body Spray sponsored night club dancing to shitty house music while seductively lifting their Ed Hardy t-shirts to display their chiseled abs at that hour.  So instead, I found these fucksticks.  Something about these asswipes just rubbed me the wrong way.  They look like some shitty 90′s Christian rap group or something.  0 POINTS

Someone Playing a Musical Instrument

Luis

Here we have two guys being musical. One in the background playing the guitar, the other using his beer bottle as a microphone. They were playing Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me.” They were both blisteringly drunk and neither of them were making any sense at all. It was the greatest version of a Nickelback song I’ve ever heard.  1 POINT

Fortey

I assume uncreative people are sitting at home thinking “Man, if total strangers see me on webcam with my oboe, they’ll think I’m so badass.  Aww yeah.”  Thus, there’s a decent subset of people with instruments just hanging out on ChatRoulette.  Why?  Meh.

As an added bonus, this fulfills the requirements for another entry – a group of three or more people.  This is a meta chatroulette moment, fuck yeah!  Also, notice how into it guitar guy is, while the guy directly in front of the cam seems to be contemplating suicide.  1 POINT

Adam

I did briefly stumble upon a guy clutching an acoustic guitar, but before I could ask him to play it, he nexted my ass.  Maybe I should have had my tits out.  But all was not lost.  About fifteen minutes later, I ran into this.  If you didn’t already know, that guy is rapping.  That blurry thing in front of his face?  A gun.  That thing over his right shoulder?  A honky.  For the record, if you’re thinking this doesn’t count, just remember, he’s an MC.  His voice is his instrument, y’all.  1 POINT

A Group of Three or More People

Luis

See this picture of 3 boring assholes doing nothing but sitting there and speaking to each other in a language that I can only assume Tolkien made up? Yeah, these were the most exciting people I encountered that fit the bill of “Group of three or more.” I wish they had been in a wild entanglement of limbs and genitals while one of them screamed something about “Being torn asunder,” but alas, it was not meant to be.  1 POINT

Fortey

Well, I just won this, but who cares, I’m going again.  Why?  Because this phenomenon needs to be addressed.  Groups of three or more guys who appear to be college aged where one dude whips out his dick and all the guys laugh as though I’m the dude on the doorstep to a gay threesome.  I don’t want to ruin your day, dude, but you’re in a room with naked men.  On camera.  And now in a comedy article online so that for the rest of your life, anyone who sees this will now you like to hang out with your buddies, and their dicks.  Nonetheless, this is my group of three or more people, plus one wang.  1 POINT

Adam

As with any group article, we each write our individual part prior to seeing what anyone else wrote.  So, I’m not sure what route my two associates took, but I’m wildly confident that I will win this particular portion of this endeavor of ours.  Why?  One word.  Kids.  Sure, I could have used those punk ass teens from my guido entry a little ways back as my group of three, and I was planning on it.  But then, I saw this.  A group of impressionable kids having their innocence shattered by watching an endless stream of dudes beating off.  Would Fortey or Luis have the intestinal fortitude to increase these poor kids emotional trauma by including them in this article?  We may never know.  As for me, the answer is a resounding yes.  1 POINT

A Furry

Luis

Do werewolves count as furries?  0 POINTS

Fortey

Man, fuck this one.  A furry.  Those hilarious picture compilations of nut jobs on Chatroulette would have you believe every other person on this site is dressed in a spandex catsuit, but it just ain’t so.  I found jack.  0 POINTS

Adam

Once again, I thought this one was going to be a slam dunk.  Wherever there is internet strangeness, a furry is almost always lurking somewhere in the background.  But it wasn’t to be this time.  The furry I was looking for turned out to be less trippy blue cat and more Sasquatch.  0 POINTS

Someone In a Superhero Mask

Luis

Do werewolves count as superheroes?  1 POINT

Fortey

I admit this is a close call here.  I may be stretching the rules insofar as Bender isn’t exactly a superhero.  But he is cartoony and that has got to be the best mask on all of Chat Roulette.  Plus, you can’t tell, but he could change his eyes to angry and back, it was pretty awesome.  And, even better, he didn’t show me his dick.  I win three times!  1 POINT

Adam

I’ll admit, my knowledge of superheroes and such is kind of limited, probably because I started fucking at an early age.  With that said, I had a direct line to a dude in a Spiderman mask but computer issues fouled that up.  So, I had to settle for this instead.  I’m not sure what it is.  Ghost Rider maybe?  Whatever the case, the sepia tones are a damn classy touch.  May not be super, but he’s a hero to me.  1 POINT

A Sign Asking to See Boobs

Luis

With my boob signs, I received a nice mixed bag of creativity. I also had the whimsical characters that inhabit my childhood memories replaced by alternate reality versions of them that have more than a few molestation charges on their records.  1 POINT

Fortey

Along with wang, another popular trend on Chat Roulette seems to be desperation.  Please show me tits.  I don’t know how many people are aware that the internet is actually built on top of a mountain of tit pictures, but whatever.  1 POINT

Adam

See, when you read that we were looking for signs asking for boobs, you probably assumed that the only thing we would find would be a bunch of disgusting perverts who were just taking their own sick, twisted desires into account.  But you were wrong, as evidenced by the internet idealist who posted the above plea.  Maybe you should think about that a bit.  When you stereotype, we all lose.  1 POINT

Someone With an Afro

Luis

I never found an afro. Most of the people I encountered had unkempt knots of hair that were reminiscent Hiroshima post-bombing, but no afros. I did get some dreads, though.  They were pigtailed and attached to a nightmare.  0 POINTS

Fortey

The first time I went on chatroulette, I saw like 6 afros.  It was like a convention was in town, so I figured this would be an easy category.  Not so, the convention left town by the time I was preparing this article.  As a result, this is the closets I could get to an afro, which I imagine is what you’d get if you bred a real afro with an owl.  1 POINT

Adam

Of all the things you can find on Chat Roulette, you would think an afro would be the least of your worries.  You would be wrong.  I didn’t find shit.  Nothing even close.  A senior citizen dancing for the camera?  You bet.  A dude with a lot of hair?  Nah.  Go figure.      0 POINTS

A Shirtless Dude With the Cam Focused On His Abs or Chest

Luis

Look, I’m not gay or nothing, I’m just saying that if these two faceless dudes walked in to my bathroom as I sat in my bubble bath listening to some Enya, and they whispered sweet sexual nothings in to my ear, I might be inclined to give them a decent rogering.     1 POINT

Fortey

Not every man is ready to show you his ballsack before getting some assurances from you that you want to see his ballsack.  So he starts the seduction slowly, by showing you his chest.

True story:  This guy had a microphone and he started cursing as soon as he appeared.  Naturally I noticed the tile and dining room table behind him, prompting me to ask if he was in his kitchen.  He was.  I then asked if he thought that was unsanitary, at which point he assured me his body is entirely hairless and he is “pure.”  So, I asked about skids, which I then had to clarify as coming from “the ass” to which he seriously replied “every time I take a shit, I wash my asshole to the second knuckle.”  He then showed me his hand on camera and pointed out said knuckle.  So every time this man craps, he jams his finger almost entirely in his own ass.  1 POINT

Adam

I doubt that it will ever happen, but there is a remote possibility that, someday, I may be asked to summarize the internet in just a few sentences.  If that day comes, I will simply say “one time, I was on this video chat site and this guy had his webcam focused on his abs.  Before I could say a word, he asked a simple question.  ‘Like dick?’.”  The end.  1 POINT

A Still Image

Luis

I had a bunch of still images, most were forgettable. I had one that was just a close up of a bulldog’s face, but that’s nothing. This one is much more…intriguing, I think is the word.

No, it’s not. My mistake. The word I was looking for was “Ocular Diarrhea.” 1 POINT

Fortey

Lots of people like to put up a single image of jack and shit to keep the rest of us amused for 10 seconds before we click next.  This adorable kitty is one such image.  In fairness, they included animation.  For some reason, after a second, the cat’s head catches on fire, then it goes out.  I didn’t get it, but whatever.  1 POINT

Adam

Naturally, upon first glance I was pretty excited by this.  The escapades that could be launched into from this position are immeasurable.  However, after a few seconds, I realized that none of that was going to happen, because this was just a still image of some chick laying around in her underwear.  And she was in desperate need of some crunches.  What a lazy slut.  1 POINT

Someone With a Nazi Flag

Luis

Sadly, I could not find someone with a Nazi flag. Wait, what am I talking about? That’s awesome.  0 POINTS

Fortey

Apparently the Zionist conspiracy took over on Chat Roulette because I couldn’t find a single Aryan anywhere.  Not even a Confederate flag.  0 POINTS

Adam

Given the state of YouTube comments these days, I figured the seething racist contingent would be out in full force on a video site that actually lets you take your inbred hatred public.  I guess not.  Apparently, internet racists like to keep it relatively anonymous.  Imagine that.  But at least we were able to Google one for the header image!  0 POINTS

A Celebrity

Luis

This is the same guy from the afro category, but I think there’s a good chance that he might be the world wide Youtube sensation “Mr Pregnant.” The guy has 45,342 Youtube subscribers. Translate that in to real life facts and figures and you find that he’s just a famous as the bassist from Night Ranger.

If that doesn’t float your boat, then let me ask you this…

Do Werewolves count as celebrities?  0 POINTS

Fortey

Assuming Bender doesn’t count, I came up empty on this one as well, which sucks because I was kind of counting on seeing Megan Fox’s ass.  0 POINTS

Adam

That’s right bitches, read it and weep.  The Jonas Brothers, or The JB’s, as I like to call them.  Not to be confused with James Brown’s band or the 80′s rap group, but it would certainly be an easy mistake.  Anyway, upon my first encounter with the Brothers Jonas, I couldn’t help but notice one surprising fact.  They’re surly!  Asking me to show dick and then calling me a faggot?  Somebody’s all growed up!

Alright, in all seriousness, I am at least 37.6% positive that I was not actually talking to the Jonas Brothers.  Gay people rarely call people faggots.  At least I assume they don’t.  Maybe I’m stereotyping.  I sure hope not.  But I am fairly certain I was talking to a teen with Asperger’s Syndrome.

After repeatedly asking me “do you know who we are?” and me spitting back answers like “The Allman Brothers” and “The Pointer Sisters,” something in my chat mate’s brain snapped.  Rather than play along with the joke, they unleashed a torrent of gay slurs and retard remarks the likes of which are normally reserved for Xbox Live, to which I replied “Stone Temple Pilots?”.  This went on for about two minutes.  It was the most fun I had on Chat Roulette all night.  1 POINT

Results

Luis – 8

Fortey – 9

Adam – 9

Tie Breaker

Fortey

What’s she up to, you ask?  About 10 points for Ian, that’s what.

Adam

Talk about a buzzer beater!  We’ve seen plenty of people pleasuring themselves up to this point, but how many pictures of full on guy on girl action?  Zero.  Until now.  You’re welcome.  This should be good for a minimum of 100 points.

The Decision

It appeared as if Fortey was on the road to a clear victory with that relatively hot chick doing the do for self.  But when Adam swooped in with a picture of actual grown up sex, things became a lot more complicated.  In the end, there can be but one result.  Nobody wins.  With Chat Roulette, nobody ever does.