The Best Way to Smuggle a Weapon – in Flab
By Ian Fortey
I got sandwiches in here too. You like egg salad?
Despite smugglers’ best attempts to make things unnoticeable, from using homemade submarines to jamming actual human beings inside the dashboards of vehicles, eventually everyone gets caught by the authorities. So really, if you’re going to smuggle something, why waste all that money and effort on a plan that will likely fail, especially if you’re smuggling things into prison, and instead go for the one place that seems to be beyond even the reach of prison guards who are trained to look in your ass with a flashlight. Hide your contraband in some flabba jabba.
A 500 lb man in Texas was recently caught with a gun hidden in the folds of his stomach. He was naturally caught during shower time, because showers in Texas prisons are more illuminating than any of us had ever guessed.
Probably the best part of the story, and picking the best part of a story about a 500 lb man in the shower at a Texas prison is really hard, is the final line in which the journalist who wrote the piece was kind enough to say the inmate “admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.” In other words, during the shower, guards didn’t see the gun, it didn’t pop free or squirt out. The prisoner, perhaps wanting to sluice that particular portion of his anatomy with a soapy sponge, simply informed them that, oh yeah, there’s a gun in here.
No doubt this man will quickly rise through the prison ranks and earn himself a wicked nickname, like Money Fold or Guy Who Can Hide a Bucket of Chicken in His Ass Cleavage or something like that, and be really popular amongst his fellow inmates. We wish him well.
