The BBC Makes the Winter Olympics Awesome [video]

Despite some shady types trying to convince you that you should hate the Winter Olympics, the hard working Brits at the BBC are making sure that you not only love the Olympics, you’re scared shitless to miss them.  And, using their extensive database of Canadian facts, they’ve put together what is arguably the most awesome and intense commercial for a winter sporting event ever.  Ever.

Of course, my posting of this does bring light to an ulterior motive.  You see, this video is fact-based.  This shit actually happened to me.

As you know, I’m a Canadian and therefore pretty much interchangeable with an Inuit person, or Eskimo, if you will.  And last summer, in the middle of a snowstorm on my glacier, I was glancing out across the tundra and figured “shit yo, I want some jerky.” So I grabbed  a nearby plank and snowboarded down an ice hill.  Fortunately, Canada is rife with such smooth surfaces and, being Canadian, I’m genetically able to simply engage in winter sports on a whim.  Once, I just woke up speed skating.

Because I was young and not thinking ahead, I forgot the goddamn wolves.  Wolves outnumber Canadians 5 to 1.  You can’t spit without hitting a wolf in Toronto and, worse yet, wolves hate being spit on.  They will actually devour you for it.  Admittedly, you’re going to be devoured anyway for being that close to a wolf, but the spitting seems to make them a bit spiteful.

So I land in the trees on my snowboard and there’s this bloody wolf pack.  Usually we’ll just toss a hobo or a Francophone to them but I was alone today and in a bit of a pickle.  Fortunately the government sent out pamphlets about how to avoid this situation years ago and point number seven states that “if possible bust a plank into skis and escape.”  Well you better believe I point sevened by ass right out of there, right off a cliff and down an ice tube that required me to luge.  Fuck, I hate luge.

Anyway, it’s well known that luge tends to anger the gods from older pantheons and here I am, flying around a glacier all catawampus and Fenrir, the wolf monster foretold to kill Odin during Ragnarok, shows up in the goddamn glacier.  Again.

But then out of nowhere I notice the head of my inukshuk sitting on the ice.  How’d that  get here?  No time to wonder, only time to hurl it at Loki’s lupine son and hope for the best.  Naturally, my curling skills being pretty much unparalleled, I busted that glacier wide open and sent that dog back to the island of Lyngvi.

What the BBC missed is that when I got to the store, they only had teriyaki jerky and I wanted the spicy kind, so I was forced to stab the store clerk with a skate.  It was awesome.