The Article in Which We Make Fun of Hipster Baby NamesBy Luis Prada
NameBerry.com is your one-stop shop for all things baby names. If you or your lover just pooped out a tiny human and you’ve yet to come up with a good name for other than the placeholder name of “Uterus Thrasher,” then Name Berry was specifically designed to help you out.
You can search their lists of most popular baby names (Optimus Prime was mysteriously left off the list), or you can check out their list of unusual baby names (somehow, the name Askdhfsdhfuwbjfsdaj was left off the list), along with all kinds of other lists of names that fit perfectly in to certain themes.
While they do have a series of lists that are designed for that special type of parent that had a baby only because they had the perfect outfit to match the human baby hanging off their arm — lists with titles like “Names all your friends will think are cool,” and “Nature Babies” (with names like Flora and Pine, just in case your that small segment of the population that both enjoys the fact that you are a wood nymph and you want to carry your family’s torch of getting your anus kicked in on a daily basis) – there is one list that stand head-and-shoulders above them all as the most superfluous, hipster baby names.
As per internet comedy writer protocol, whenever we see a stupid baby name we are contractually obligated to make fun of it. That’s just one of the rules of the internet.
So, without further ado, here are some hipster baby names and our accompanying commentary…
Asher – for the baby that pretends it’s okay with having ethnic babies play with its toys
Butch – regardless of sex, this baby will always turn out to be a lesbian
Delilah – for the baby that will bang any scraggily-faced dude with an acoustic guitar in an East German youth hostel
Dixie – for the baby that thinks black face is only okay on Halloween
Elvis – For the baby that will die ingloriously on a toilet
Flora – for the baby that prefers pine cones to Gerber
Leopold – for the baby that twiddles its waxed mustache and smiling menacingly every time it poops
Levi – for the baby that uses the word “tits” to describe something he likes or thinks is cool.
Mamie – for the baby that doesn’t understand the racist connotation behind its name
Moses – for the baby that everyone thinks is crazy for talking to a bush, yet doesn’t understand why nobody considers the biblical Moses crazy for doing the same thing
Orson – for the baby with a rather long “people to kill” list
Otis – for the baby that you keep in a cage
Roscoe – for the baby that hangs out in pool halls and has survived 3 separate stabbing attempts by the age of 2.