The Asshole’s Guide To Holiday Shopping

No matter what your religion, ethnicity, color, or creed, the chances are pretty good that come December of every year you’re shelling out hundreds of dollars on presents for people that you wouldn’t want to save from a fire.

Whether they be shady friends, annoying family, or co-workers that you’re pretty sure gather in a basement to worship Satan and diddle the genitals of goats; society and the bizarre unspoken social contracts we sign with one-another dictate that we take the time out of our lives once a year to realize how little we truly care about the people around us by buying them what might as well be boxes stuffed with apathy.

To help you make the decision that will come the closest to the right one when it comes to holiday gift buying, we’re going to do most of the thinking for you and just tell you what to buy the people in your life — those whose existences you barely acknowledge.

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The Little Brother

Regardless of your little brother’s actual age or how much younger he is than you, you have to buy him a present that lets him know he’ll always be a worthless peon that sucked in all of your parents’ love and attention like a gap-toothed singularity that smelled vaguely of milk and intensely of shit. Fuck him. He sucked. Let him continue to know that. You have to be relentless with your passive aggressive little brother torment. Remember, growing up doesn’t mean you have to treat him like a grown up…or like a human, for that matter.

Give him something that personifies exactly how you feel about him. Get him something that encapsulates your many years of friendship and brotherhood. Get him a dead thing in a box.

It can be any dead thing, really. A bird. A lizard. Hell, it can be him if you figure out how to kill him while keeping him alive enough so he can open a box to somehow see himself be dead. The craftier you are with your presentation of this metaphor for your cold feelings toward him, the more he’ll get it, and the higher the chances of him either crying or attempting to punch you in that girly way that you always called him gay for will be.

Realistically, you’re going for the latter reaction. Nothing warms your heart more than watching that little beta male attempt to enter the alpha male world you dominate by punching through the barrier that separates the two.  The crushing realization he’ll experience when he’s finally remembers why you’ve tortured him for all those years will bring on the tears. Then, your laughter.

What to say Afterwards…

“Merry Christmas, fag!” followed by a laugh, then a snort.

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The Boss

When you think about it, there really isn’t a better way to show your appreciation for the man that makes far more money than you for doing what is, ostensibly, the same amount of work that a 1 pm stripper puts in to her show, than by buying him an acre of land on the moon. Yeah, the goddamn moon.

That smug little prick already has everything you would ever consider giving him, so why not give him something so intangible, so damn ludicrous, and (inevitably) so damn worthless, than a plot of land that he, his children, and maybe even his children’s children’s children, may never get to use.

And even if humanity one day colonizes the moon; and all of those plots of land that weird people are snatching up nowadays turn out to be real, legally binding land purchases, you can rest confidently in your coffin knowing that while future scientists have archived the impossible – giving the moon some semblance of an atmosphere – they’ve yet to fully figure out a solution to the nasty infestation of telekinetic octopi that call the moon’s dark side home. Those murderous cephalopods don’t fuck around when it comes to the matters of land ownership. If their lawyers don’t get you, their giant laser that concentrates their telekinetic abilities in to a single organic life vaporizing energy beam will.

What to say Afterwards…

Your boss will be baffled when he sees the certificate of moon land ownership, so the one liner you toss him should add on to that confusion rather than clarify it. For example, instead of…

“Now you own a portion of the moon!”

It should be…

“Eat moon, slap-nuts?!”

And really exaggerate the question mark.

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The Parental Units

When your parents accidentally conceived you when that condom broke and all that seed flooded your mother’s innards, they had no idea that they would only be more disappointed with the end result of that accident than with the accident itself. This Christmas, honor the people that look at you the same way people tend look at those commercials with the starving Africans by getting them something simple and kind of touching: a family photo.

Your collective cries of “Awwww” are sickening. But for those of you wonder how giving a gift like that is befitting of an asshole, allow me to explain. The family photo should be one that includes the entire family – grandparents, sisters, brothers, parents, uncles, aunts, etc – anybody and everybody that your family considers family. If a picture like that doesn’t exist, then Photoshop one. Your parents will appreciate the extra work you put in to it. But to give that that official asshole stamp, don’t forget to include one family member that has passed away – preferably, one of the grandparents. The next step is very simple and subtle. Take a red marker and draw a very bold “X” over the face of the deceased relative.

What does it mean? Who’s to say? It could mean absolutely anything, really. Or, it could totally suggest that you off’ed the mother or father of your mother or father.

What To Say Afterwards…

“You won’t be able to hide…FROM MY LOVE!”

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The Best Friend

This person, male or female, is only latching on to you because of how awesome you are. They’re a parasite that feeds on all the excess coolness that falls off of you in chunks – chunks this friend will immediately suck on the moment they hit the dirty ground. The only reason you slog them along with you is because they make you look like a deity by comparison.

For this very special person, the only truly great gift you can bestow upon them is the gift of a slap in the face and a verbal thrashing. The gift isn’t so much for them; it’s really more of a frustration venting session for you.

During the verbal mauling and physical ego shattering, you should unleash a barrage of attacks that zero-in on very specific problems that this “friend” may have. For example, if they’re riddled with self-doubt but you know they can be great at something if they just applied themselves, then tell them it’s not their fault that they inherited their parents’ failure gene.

What To Say Afterwards…

“You’ll always have a shoulder to cry on. Once yours heals.”

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The Mistress

We’re bypassing your lover and going straight to the mistress because the gift we suggest you buy for your lover is far too vulgar and grotesque to print, even on the internet. But let’s just say that it’s illegal pretty much everywhere, save for certain parts of Bangladesh. It’s not pretty. But it is rather befitting of that cheating wench.

Your mistress is the one woman on the planet that actually gets you. By that we mean she lets you have sex with her. Which is pretty awesome in your book, and seeing as you’re a complete asshole, you’ll take what you can get.

The great thing about the mistress is that she has most of the fear, low self-esteem, and neuroses that would have tried to implant in her with your gift already built in to her title, mistress. The title “mistress” already implies someone that is, at least for the moment, totally alright with being second fiddle. She’s cool with being the person you hump at late, inopportune times. She’s A-Ok with being an afterthought. 90 percent of the job is done with the mistress.

Seeing as she’s already pretty damaged from the get go, you have to make your gift extra mean and cruel to officially be classified as the type of gift and asshole would give. To do this, we’re revisiting the gift to the parents and adding a new twist.

You have to spend hours and hours of your free time searching through reams of pictures. You’re looking for one kind of picture in particular. You’re looking for a picture of the perfect family ever captured on film. This picture had better have it all. Brightly smiling children. A husband with a chiseled jaw. A youthful wife with perky breasts and a crackerjack smile. A large and gorgeous house off in the background. A beautiful dog that almost looks like it’s smiling. It needs to be the kind of perfect family we all imagine when we close our eyes and dream.

You are going to give this picture to your mistress. She will be confused. You will clarify things a bit by telling her that that’s a picture of the family that you will never make with her. You will elaborate by saying, “Why would I want to start a family with a tramp?”

That’s practically a Don Draper move. She’ll be crushed, devastated. She’ll still probably have sex with you.

What To Say Afterwards…

“Why would I want to start a family with a tramp?” should be enough. But, if you feel like you just have to add one little bit of assholeary, just add a “BOO-YA!” to the end of it.