The housing market is a bitch.  If you just want a simple 85 room home with Jacuzzis in every room, nude gymnast landscapers and a zoo full of extinct animals in the yard, you have to spend at least $100,000 which even internet comedy writers can’t pull in in a year.  A whole fucking year!

Your dreams of Tasmanian tigers across your squash court may have to wait and in the meantime you still need shelter.  Luckily there are some alternatives to crap ass regular houses that only have 5 bedrooms and whatnot, or even worse apartment buildings where every floor smells like someone else’s toilet filled with curry and bacon and they’ll not set you back a fortune, so you can save your cash for that dream house down the road.

 

Freight Cars


Lord knows traditional housing is a racket.  Construction companies are all full of themselves with their wood frames and stucco and flooring and shit, as though everyone who bought a home was suddenly the Prince of Persia.  You need not fall for that game and can instead enjoy prefab housing in the form of what is, arguably, a box used to transport shit for Wal Mart.

The upside of prefab freight car housing is that it lets you flex your Tetris muscle in ways that will leave traditional homeowners reeling like the sucka bitches they are.  Your home will be shipped to you in pieces and can be assembled by crane in a variety of awesome ways.  If you feel like adding more later, even a second floor, no problem.  The potential for transients trying to pop in and spend the night is probably high, but if it gets to be too much of an issue you can always just pick your house up and move it down the street.

 

Cardboard Housing


The selling point of cardboard housing is that it’s so eco-friendly Captain Planet actually owes you a handjob if you buy one – it says so right on the website (ED. Note – no it doesn’t).  It’s made entirely from recycled materials and is totally recyclable, so if you want to teach the family a lesson, you can put the whole house out on the curb for garbage when they’re out for the day.

Although it’s proposed mostly as temp housing or emergency housing, the fact is you could live in this shit all year round, provided your city has banished weather.  They come in kits with wall and floor panels and are assembled with nylon wind nuts and Velcro.  This potentially means it will be easier to break into your home than it is to get into a bag of chips but if you’re living in cardboard arguably you have nothing of value for people to want to steal anyway.

Lest you think this is nothing more than a big, fancy box, the house actually has more than one floor, and comes with a bathroom, too.  Plus water is collected under the house to be used as ballast because your house is totally going to blow away in a stiff wind without it.

A Bus


If you’re willing to abandon your preconceived notions of what housing should be and just latch on to the idea that something with a roof will do, then perhaps a converted bus is right up your alley.  In fact, maybe you’ll park it in an alley when you go foraging in dumpsters for discarded lo mein and rats.

This story tells how one man bought a school bus for $1400 and after about $12,000 in renovations he’s living the high life in a modded out school bus that sets him back about $400 a month in costs.

He gives step by step instructions on how to go about converting your beast into a home, including stops at the DMV to get everything in order, insurance, where to park your new house and the best roads to drive down when escaping a zombie apocalypse.  No zombie apocalypse where you live?  Then why the fuck did you move into a bus?

Cohousing


If you’re one of those people who enjoys other people, it’s possible cohousing would not drive you to grisly murder.  For the rest of us, it’s nothing but grisly murder.  The gist of cohousing is that you have your own private home, it’s just not a complete home.  Some of the living space, say playrooms for kids, dining rooms, work areas, whatever, will be communal.  So you have to share them with other people.  But you’d have your own bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom and such.

If your first thought is that probably you’re going to walk in on someone masturbating in the dining room one night, and/or they are going to drill holes through your bathroom wall and watch you pee, we have that in common.  Which is to say I would do those things and you would be afraid that I was going to do them.

In theory, there’s nothing wrong with communal living, just as there’s nothing wrong with watching a Carrot Top movie.  It’s not like you’ll die or anything.  It’s just horribly uncomfortable.

Tiny Homes


Arguably a tiny house isn’t necessarily a new innovation in living like vermin, but it is when it’s designed that way on purpose under the guise of it not being a lunch box you sleep in.  Enter the Tumbleweed Tiny House Company, who will hook you up with a 65 square foot house if you so desire.

An added bonus to these tiny home sis that you can get them on wheels and they’re classified as trailers, so you can drive around with them.  For a mere $46,000 you too can have an 89 sq ft house that you can park anywhere a Volvo will fit.

If you’re afraid of someone driving off with your house, don’t be because who the fuck would want an 89 sq ft house on wheels?  But that aside, they also come with locks on the hitch so you don’t have to worry about Gypsies adding you to the caravan in the middle of the night.  Well, you do if they just set up a shanty town around your glorified porta-potty home, but that’s a whole different ball of wax.  Basically what I’m saying is if you get one of these houses, you should buy Gypsy insurance.

The Micro Compact Home

Is this exactly the same as the Tumbleweed tiny home?  Almost.  But there are a couple of important differences.  First, it’s European and therefore was designed to be an efficient and soulless abomination.  If a hospital was a living thing, these homes would be its shit.  Second, they are specifically designed to meet short term housing needs, like for students.  The structure is only guaranteed for 5 years.  And it costs $51,000.  A lunch box you can only stay in for 5 years costs $51,000.  And that’s just for the box.  Want it delivered set up and have the taxes paid for too?  Then that’ll cost you another $17,000.  So $68,000 total for a building that is less than 9’x 9’x9’.  Fuck.

What does this teach us?  That European students have a fuckton of money to waste.  And this isn’t really cheap ass at all.  Man, the editors at this site suck.

The BOB

The best thing about this invention is that it’s so Australian.  The website says it’s a mobile living tool for the nomadic wanderers of the future.  This is entirely because Australia has been convinced since the 1970’s that Mad Max was prophetic.  The whole society is just waiting for the shit to hit the fan so they can rally behind Mel Gibson and fight Jews for oil.

Basically, BOB here is a van that you can unfold like a lunchbox and sleep in.  So it’s a mobile home.  But you have to unfold it.  I can’t stress that enough.  Currently, mobile homes exist.  You can get one right now.  This vision for the future is to get an uglier one that you have to unfold to use.  The selling point is that it triples the floor space, but, you know, you have to push that space out and fill it with shit.  This might be cool for long haul stays, but the downside is that the Great Humungous is going to be able to get the drop on you well before you fold this bitch back up.

Cave House

This whole entry will sound like I made it up, but I have a source, so suck it.  Now, the idea of living in caves isn’t so foreign, cavemen and bears do it to this very day and they’re some of our most respected citizens.  But apparently in parts of China living in caves is the shit and they still come with all the conveniences of non-cave living you’d expect like cable TV and appliances.  And probably doors, I assume.  That part wasn’t actually in my source.  I could be full of shit.

40 million people in China live in caves, which is known in real estate circles as “fucking insane.”  But the upshot is it’s some enviro friendly living, and if you don’t like your neighbors you can stage a collapse.  Take that, bitches.

Because the caves are warm in winter and cold in summer, utility bills are generally low and rent for some is around $13 a month.  Of course, the fact you have to pay rent at all to live in a cave is kind of a kick in the ass, if it comes furnished and has a TV, it’s better than most of the apartments I lived in while I was in college.

Families can live on the same mound and you have the advantage of not worrying about wall paper, flooring or windows.  On the other hand you may face issues from Tusken Raiders and Gollum, but I’m sure those 40 million people can band together to work out any raids from subterranean monsters if and when they occur.