The 6 Most Awful Parts of Holiday Mall Shopping

You know who likes Christmas shopping?  Satanists.  And probably assholes.  Christmas shopping is awful because stores make it awful and then they get crammed full of people and it’s hectic and awful and it makes you seethe with hatred, because that’s what the holidays are about now – hatred and frustration and stress and awful.  This is mostly thanks to Wal Mart.  Anyway, in order to save you some time if you’re not sure what to be disgusted by this holiday season, here’s a list of the most awful things you’ll encounter when you’re forced to go to the mall to buy something for someone.

Mall Santas – This is the only time in your life when you’ll see parents actually line up to make their kids sit on a stranger’s lap.  In our ultra paranoid culture we train kids to never say shit to anyone, except mall santa.  And why?  Because later on, he’s going to break into our homes and leave presents, so you better sit on his knee right now.  That makes sense.

And it’s not like the mall has a in-depth vetting process for santas.  This is someone who needed a job that last two weeks in the middle of winter.  Do you know what kind of people need a job that only lasts two weeks?  A job that requires them to have kids sit on them?  Egads…

Trampling – This is what happens whenever a big sale occurs and no one has the humanity to be civilized about it.  Why walk at a reasonable pace towards something when you can push the weaker citizens of our land out of your way and potentially crush them to death.  This has actually happened before.  Actually.  For real.  Fuck.

Anytime your life is put in jeopardy for a reward as insignificant as anything at all sold in a Wal Mart, you have entered a horrible place and time in your life and you need to reassess your very existence.

Christmas Music – Mall music sucks hard at the best of times, but during the holidays they switch to Christmas music.  And then need to fill a full day with it, so that means not even unobtrusive old stand-bys.  This means you’ll hear the same song 15 times by different artists, each version more jarring and horrifying than the last.  Is there a song you hate?  We;; get ready to hear a country version and 6 pop versions before some asinine R&B version caps off your experience.

Holiday Versions of Garbage – Everything sucks more when it’s made specifically for Christmas, maybe with the exception of desserts.  But it never ends at awesomely shaped snowmen cookies.  You get Rudolph coffee mugs, Santa T-Shirts and belts that have mistletoe hanging off of the buckle because holiday oral sex is fucking hilarious.  It’s all stuff you can use for about 7 days out of every year without looking like a complete idiot (note that this means you still look like an idiot, you’re not just a complete one).

Parking – This is the first sign of your despair each and every holiday season.  When you foolishly decide to go shopping on the last Saturday before Christmas and the only parking space you get is actually a block further away from the store than your own driveway.  Everyone and their uncle decided today was the day to shop and they all inexplicably drove two cars.

Assholes – Christmas is supposed to be about love and giving and family togetherness and maybe Jesus, if you have time.  And sure, commercialism owns the rights to all those things, but nevermind that.  It’s the thought that counts.  But for some reason, the people who are most concerned with celebrating the birth of their savior and enjoying Cinnabon are all assholes.

It’s unclear if malls hire them the way they hire mystery shoppers but you have a statistically amazing 105% chance of meeting an asshole each and every time you hit the malls during the month of December.  This person either takes the last thing that you wanted off the shelf, clogs the aisle with their cart while talking on a cell phone, pays with change or decides that, with 50 people waiting behind them at the cashier, they want to make a return without a receipt and they want it now.  Now!