The 5 Most Common Time Travel Mistakes

Ever since time travel was invented in the mid 1980’s, man has enjoyed the pleasures and stress-relieving benefits of bopping along the time stream. What better way to unwind after a hard day at the office than to spend a few hours in that mystical land of “the past” where every day is a Renaissance fair and dinosaurs walked hand in hand with Jesus?  Time travel, however, is not a right but a privilege, and with that privilege comes great responsibility. With that in mind, whether this is your this is your first time “trippin’” or your 1,000th, we could all do well to refresh ourselves on the 5 most common time travel mistakes, the potential damages they pose against the space-time continuum and what you can do to avoid them.

Failing to Assassinate Hitler

It’s happened to us all.  You return from your latest time traveling adventure with tomorrow’s lottery numbers in hand and a newly conquered bevy of old timey skanks notched on your bedpost to find that, dammit, you forgot something.  That’s right, once again you have neglected to kill Adolph Hitler.

“I’m gonna kill Hitler.” That’s what you tell yourself when you step in your chosen time travel portal (for us, it’s one of those red phone booths that are all the rage in London, it’s more stylish that way).  But no matter how many times you remind yourself, you never do it.

Perhaps it’s in your technique. Maybe you traveled back to when Hitler was a budding artist and thoughts of the Third Reich were nothing but a whisper in his mind and you found yourself awash in his artistic passion and ran out of time.  Or maybe you went back and killed the wrong Hitler.  No matter how miserable his life was as a result of that unfortunate last name, there really wasn’t much point in offing Dave Hitler of Sarasota, Florida, was there?
 

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Not much really.  Millions of well-meaning citizens have gone back in time to assassinate Hitler and millions have failed.  If Tom Cruise couldn’t do it, there’s no reason to think you could either.
 

Time Continuum Damage

Minimal. By not assassinating Hitler you haven’t actually done anything but bruised your pride. Maybe it’s for the best. In your vain attempt you might almost succeed, perhaps by chasing him into the tracks of a Panzer tank, and leave him clinging to life. Then the German military rebuilds him bionically using steam engine technology and occult powers attained from various stolen religious artifacts. Laser Vision Hitler with Super Jumping Action and a metal spiked tail is bad news.  Best to just leave this one alone.

Hitting On a Younger Version of Your Mom/Grandmother

With all the tight lips surrounding this boo-boo, you’d think it never happens, but trust us, it happens all the time. We don’t know a time traveler with a good many jumps under his belt who hasn’t made out with his grandmother under a willow tree or drove the 1955 Packard with his mom to Lover’s Lane. It’s an innocent mistake. Why, just the other day a FunnyCrave staffer accidentally made a pass at a much younger version of his grandmother. Like, twenty years younger!

What You Can Do To Avoid It

We don’t know man; your mom was smoking hot back in the day.  We’d do her too.
 

Time Continuum Damage

If you are lucky, your mom and/or grandmother will spurn your advances. If not, on the plus side you’ll have a funny story for the next family reunion. On the downside, you may erase your entire existence.

On a related note, hitting on a younger or older version of yourself is totally natural and, in the end, a victimless crime.  After all, who could resist you, tiger?

Attempting to Take Over Ancient Civilizations with Modern “Witchcraft”

Oh how little we think of our ancestors. We assume them to be such superstitious simpletons that we can go back in time with nothing but a laser pointer or leaf blower and all those unwashed morons will either run for the hills or drop to their knees and snivel at the feet of you, their new god. Didn’t quite work out that way, did it?

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Don’t go back in time with a Bedazzler or ShowTime rotisserie and expect to run a bunch of unwashed, murderous vikings down on your Segway.  You’re dealing with a bunch of primitive killing machines who deal with perceived threats in one way and one way only…violence.  They aren’t going to cower in fear and shit themselves over a combination digital thermometer/rain gauge that you bought at Brookstone. Just like they didn’t bow down to you and your George Foreman grill.  Where, exactly, did you think you were going to plug it in at anyway?  “Magical” technology doesn’t impress them like you think it would. Unless you take guns. Guns always work.

Time Continuum Damage

Lots of stuff. Here is one example you might have heard. A guy name Darrin Schmidt went back to the height of the Roman Empire and tried to take the whole thing over with a Bic lighter.  “I CAN SUMMON HELL FIRE,” he said, “BOW TO ME!” They totally didn’t buy it. “Who be this that dares challenge the Roman Empire?” asked a Roman Centurion.  “Uh…Jesus. Yeah, that’s it, the name is Jesus,” Darrin said, right before turning the dial on his Temporal Retriever Pinky Ring.  And we all know how that turned out. Bad.

Doing Anything with or to Butterflies

For some reason this really messes things up. Big time.  Or so we’ve heard (apologies to Indonesia).

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Don’t fuck with Butterflies. Period. Not prehistoric ones, not even a butterfly from three days ago. Just don’t do it.

Time Continuum Damage

Everything is screwed. The entire universe turns in on itself and the world becomes some kind of topsy turvey bizzaro dimension where rain falls up, water is made of fire, ice cream cones eat children and Ashton Kutcher is considered a financially and artistically viable leading man. Once again we must reiterate, don’t mess with the butterflies. Oh, who are we kidding, they’re so precious you just wanna pet them and kiss them and rip off their pretty little wings. The temptation is far too overwhelming. Ah well, existence had a good run there.

Asked JFK if You Could Take the Top Down

Yes, it was a nice day and, sure, you never rode in a convertible before. But c’mon man, think!

What You Can Do To Avoid It

Too late. The damage is done. America’s innocence is forever lost and all because you wanted to feel the wind through your hair. And to think, JFK was going to cure AIDS.  What’s that you say?  Why couldn’t you just go back in time and fix it again?  Because that doesn’t fit the premise of this article, so shut yer saucy piehole.

Time Continuum Damage

You are a jerk, how’s that for damage? Worse though, the assassination of JFK left the young and impressionable baby boomers jaded, leading them to turn away from their lofty ideals and sell out big time in the eighties. Here are some of the later life contributions baby boomers made to our world: Tim Allen, Enron, ultra conservatism, sweat shop labor, rampant plastic surgery, vagina rejuvenation, a dramatic increase in the chasm between the Haves and Have Nots, reality shows, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, a thoroughly raped environment, the Iraq War. And now we have to watch Dennis Hopper tells us how great their generation is in insurance commercials. The world they’re leaving us will suck on a level of sucktitude that would explode all but the most costly suck-o-meters. And all because you’re the asshole who felt cooped up.”