The 2009 Sylvia Browne Fails – Part 1
By Ian Fortey
If you keep abreast of dirty, dirty frauds then you’re well aware of Sylvia Browne, something of a harpy-like psychic who frequently appears on Montel Williams and Larry King, bringing false hope to people who don’t know any better and generally ruining people’s lives. Brown claims she can talk to angels and spirits and so on. Her track record is abysmal, however, despite the fact she’ll charge you hundreds of dollars for her time.
In the past, Brown has been called out time and again for being a fraud, but people who want to believe will continue to believe until they are on the receiving end of crushing news. Crushing how? Browne has, in the past, on television, told distraught parents that their missing children are dead when they were in fact still alive. She has told others their children were alive when they were, in fact, dead. She told one family their missing child was alive and had been sold into white slavery in Japan. The child’s body was found in Texas, she had died the day she was abducted.
Sylvia Browne is one of the worst humans on the face of the earth, who profits off of people’s desperation by providing false hopes and lies to the vulnerable. She is disgusting in every conceivable way. And in light of that, we’re going to take some time to use our minor influence to point out how much she fucking sucks at everything.
Famed skeptic James Randi has long offered Browne his million dollar challenge if she can prove, in any way, what powers she has and she has never done it. Instead, she makes up excuses about how the challenge is rigged or the money isn’t real. This is, of course, because Browne is a liar and a criminal (you can read about that on Wikipedia, she’s been convicted of fraud in the past).
Still, every year Browne drags her carcass in front of a camera and makes predictions for the following year, because after a year who will remember all of her bullshit lies? FunnyCrave remembers, the idiot taped it so we’d have a reference. But it’s also like 40 minutes long, and we can’t cover it all. So let’s start with part one of what the hell Sylvia Browne got wrong with her 2009 predictions.
Prediction: The economy will improve and people will be working on railroads
- Honestly, what the fuck does that even mean? The economy didn’t really have such a banner year in 2009, but last I checked, the railroads didn’t bail anyone out.
Prediction: Troops in Iraq will be coming home in December 2009 and spring 2010. They’ll be all done by fall, maybe?
- Thanks for that in depth analysis, Sylvia. Sure, Obama’s plan was for troops to pull out in August, and the agreement states they should be out by 2011, and probably every date between now and then has been listed as the time to get out, and since there are, what, 142,000 troops there, the deployment is going to span months anyway, it’s hard to see where anyone could not predict this with some manner of accuracy.
Prediction: 2009 will be a terrible year ofr hurricanes, especially around the islands and Florida.
- Good job, Sylvia, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the US.
Prediction: There will be floods in Kansas
– Wow, it did flood in Kansas! It floods every goddamn year in Kansas according to the United States Geological Survey
Prediction: Winter will be mild, especially in the east
– Close one, except for those record storms that battered the east coast throughout December
Prediction: We’re in a polar tilt
– Wow, she predicts major world events. Sadly, it takes a few thousand years for poles to shift according to, you know, science, and actually Earth’s polarity is all over the map all the time. So did the polar shift just start?
Prediction: In 2009, there will be many blackouts/brownouts along the east coast and Midwest
– So that never happened, however shortly before she predicted it, it was also “predicted” by energy groups who were afraid that it could happen.
Prediction: There will be severe tornadoes in Oklahoma, Illinois, Kansas and Missouri in April and May
- According to Wikipedia, we lost a lot of mobile homes this year and there were a couple of fatalities; overall it was a mild year for tornadoes. There was a tsunami though.
Prediction: Holy shit she predicted the split of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!
- This spilt has been reported in every tabloid for about 2 years now. It’s also been predicted by other psychics for 2010. Apparently it hasn’t happened yet though
Prediction: Clint Eastwood has a leg problem!
-No
Prediction: Harrison Ford has health problems!
– No
Prediction: Robert Redford honored for his documentary!
– Huh? What documentary?
Prediction: Paris Hilton goes to jail?
- 3 years ago
Prediction: Britney Spears will become ill and not perform for 4 months in mid year
– Except that from March to November she was on her circus tour, one of 2009 highest grossing concert tours
Prediction: Katie Couric is replaced
– except not
Prediction: Susan Sarandon and Tom Robbins will start a fuel shortage organization
– Or they’ll break up
Prediction: Nicole Ritchie will separate from her husband
– except not
Prediction: The Olsen Twins will be questioned regarding drugs
– This was a hot topic back in 2008 when Browne made this up, thanks to Heath Ledger’s death and rumors that Mary Kate was involved with him. Never happened though.
Yes, Sylvia Browne made some fine predictions for the 2009, none of which came true, mind you. And there’s a hell of a lot more to go, too. We’ll be back with more later.
