The 2009 Sylvia Browne Fails – Part 2

We are not continuing this article.  Bet even Sylvia Browne didn’t see that coming, on account of she’s not a psychic.  She’s a fraud.  You know how it is.

See, the thing is, her video goes on for like an eon, and it’s just her sounding like the Wicked Witch of the West prattling off bullshit point after bullshit point.  Listing all the things Sylvia Browne gets wrong is like listing all the stupid things George Bush ever said.  Or all the ridiculous outfits Lady Gaga wears.  Or all the songs Celine Dion sings that make people’s brains bleed.  Eventually you hit a point where it’s just horribly redundant and wastes time.

Instead, because Funnycrave is a bastion of forgiveness and really excels at bolstering all of mankind in mind, body and spirit, we’re going to propose a list of alternate careers that Ms. Browne can pursue.  Things that will be less-destructive and exploitative of innocent people and seem to speak, at least in some way, to her apparent skillset.

Sylvia Browne, we see redemption in your future.  Look into our crystal ball and behold what could be in store for you!

• Fearsome greeter on the midnight shift at a 24 hour Wal Mart
• Queen of the Harpies
• Trained yet irreverent monkey perched firmly and menacingly on the back of Montel Williams
• Trained yet irreverent monkey perched firmly and menacingly on the back of Larry King
• Bereavement counselor
• Secretary at the JREF
• Old West style Madame
• James Van Praagh’s manager
• Pet psychic
• Gypsy #7 in an off, off-Broadway production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame
• Quasimodo in an off, off-Broadway production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame
• Phone sex operator for Gitmo detainees
• Wino
• Spokesperson for Depends
• Spokesperson for MedicAlert
• Spokesperson for Marlboros
• Spokesperson for Diamondelle Jewelry
• Nemesis of Joan Rivers
• Troll under any number of bridges
• Gargoyle
• Truckstop diner waitress
• Meter maid
• Nurse at a crooked Central American plastic surgery clinic

Sylvia, the world is full of possibilities that don’t necessarily include ruining people’s lives while charging them $750 for a half hour and publishing trite, despicable book after trite, despicable book.  We predict 2010 is your year, Sylvia.