The $10 Article

Everyone in the world loves the dollar store and no one knows why.  The dollar store makes absolutely no sense in terms of shopping, it’s the least viable place you will ever find at which to spend your money and yet, like a hobo drawn to delicious, refreshing Lysol, shoppers come in droves to spend money there.  Because it’s only a buck, after all.

Everything you buy at the dollar store is inevitably worthless.  In fact, it is probably going to cause more harm and not just put you out that dollar but cost you additional funds making up for whatever horror the initial dollar cost.  To prove this, we present to you the $10 Article.  This is the most we’ve ever spent to bring you entertainment, so we hope you enjoy it.

$1 – Men’s Bikini Underwear

Look at that.  Just look.  Look how on the package, the red gitch hugs that dude’s Johnson.  Look how he’s standing there, modeling, as if to say “Hey.  Hey Dollar Store shopper.  When you’re done picking up those crocs and that Guatemalan baking soda, come back here.  Come back here and look at my cock meat.  Then take me home and wrap me around yours.  Tight.  Tight around your balls.  Let me cradle your taint like a mother bird protecting her young from a fierce storm under my red, cottony wing.  Let me touch your intimate places and whisper sexy secrets into your ass.  Yeah.”

$2 – Snails

All that thrift is likely to work up a hunger.  Being a cheap ass and providing your family with substandard products made in unsanitary, Chinese workshops isn’t easy.  Makes you tired.  Makes you crave energy.  Energy that can be replaced by consuming delicious snails in water.  Delicious Beaver snails.  Oh fuck yeah. Taste that beaver.  And snail.

It looks like you’re guaranteed 36-42 per can too, so you can invite a friend.  Invite a friend to eat the snotty little mollusk fucks you bought at the Dollar Store.

$3 – Lemon Saver

Don’t you hate when you go out and buy some lemons and then as soon as you turn around you catch sight of a disoriented old man fiddling with his withered penis, right there in the produce section trying to fit it into a canary melon?  What the hell is with that?  At least with a lemon saver you can have the peace of mind that one lemon will remain encased in plastic in your fridge or wherever.  You know…to protect it.  That has nothing to do with that melon humper, but on the other hand what the fuck does putting one lemon in a lemon shaped case have to do with anything?

$4 – Semi-Retarded Tiger

Straight off the rack that made Dollar Stores famous comes this whimsical character that serves no functional purpose whatsoever.  What does it do?  Whatever it does, it’s doing it right now in that picture.  Is it a reminder of why human tampering in animal genetics can lead to diluted bloodlines and massive inbreeding causing severe retarded in our animal friends?  Probably not, that seems a bit deep for dollar shit that was made by a 7 year old laborer for 10 cents a day, but you never know.

$5 – Fish Shower Gel

This is where the Dollar Store stands head and shoulders above retailers who sell products made with even a modicum of care.  Sure you can buy shower gel anywhere, and probably all stores carry brands targeted for children featuring fun shapes and designs.  But only the Dollar Store will have ones designed by near-sighted Chinese graphic artists high on opium who couldn’t quite get the features to be anything but vaguely sinister and/or saucily homosexual in appearance.

$6 – Monster Spray

This is a super fun product designed to rid your home of monsters.  We could make jokes about how silly that is, but obviously it exists to help your child overcome their fears of whatever may be lurking under the bed or in the closet.  A spray of this and the monsters are gone, that’s adorable.

On the other hand, this is a Dollar Store product, meaning it’s entirely possible this is green because it’s full of radon, or some other random carcinogen that will replace monsters with rampant tumors and weeping scrotal sores.  Or fuck, this may have been designed in some Third World pocket of insanity by a practitioner of the Dark Arts who devised a formula to actually grow monsters under the bed.  Won’t you feel like a shit if you inadvertently feed your child to a Dollar Store monster?  What were you thinking?

$7 – A Dog (?) Windchime

Like the tiger before it, this precious little beast is a testament to how unmotivated artisans seem to only be able to handcraft a look of incredible brain damage on the faces of animals.  Unlike the tiger, this thing has a function.  It’s a windchime.  Can’t you see how that makes sense?  The dull-eyed stare of a dog that may or may not have been hit by a car, clanking cheap metal tubes together in a stiff breeze?  Magical.

$8 – Mosquito Head Net

Look how happy that sorry son of a bitch in the picture is.  After modeling for the photo, they put on the thicker weave version and shot him in the face, then billed his family for the price of the bullet.

If the mosquitoes in your neck of the woods are so abhorrent you need to completely bag your head, this dollar store item won’t work as the mosquitoes have likely developed a civilization with technology advanced enough to circumvent this thing anyway.

$9 – Sports Bra

The only thing more depressing than being the starry-eyed little girl on the packaging for a dollar store sports bra is being the teary-eyed little girl who has to buy it.  Just look at that girl’s face, all full of hope and wonder at the prospect of her breasts being firmly held by inferior quality materials allowing her the freedom to run from a government with a strict one child per family policy that renders her second X chromosome a liability her parents can’t be bothered to put up with.

$10 – Home Pregnancy Test

This is a fucking $1 pregnancy test.

FREE – Pregnancy Test Results!

I hope it’s a boy!