Talking Cats Are Assholes

Australia is home to pretty much every deadly animal known to man. They have things that will stab you, things that will trample you, probably even things that will slowly torture you for information. Australian animals suck, even the ones that can talk. You’d think a talking animal would be pretty damn amazing.

It’s not.

Well, it would be if the animal were saying cute things, but not when it’s cursing you out and demanding your attention with words. Human words.

It appears that when an Australian couple went to go get themselves a cat 2 years ago, they had no idea that the one they took home was, in terms of cats, either an evil genius or the cat equivalent of a foul-mouthed drunkard.

Mischief the cat can say 7 words in total: Mum, No, Now, What, Fuck, Prick and Why. If these were the only 7 words a small child knew, that little bastard would be in a boarding school getting paddled in to rehabilitation. But because it’s a cat it’s cute and adorable.

“He can’t say ‘dad’ yet, which is a bit of a prick. That’s how he got the word ‘prick’ I reckon, because I say it a lot,” says Mr. Duncan, the Mischief’s owner.

This would be very cute if it wasn’t so terrifying. According to Mr. Duncan, Mischief isn’t simply mimicking human sounds, he knows exactly what he’s saying.

For a while now, humans have feared the idea of machines becoming sentient. Should we now fear cats becoming sentient, too? I mean, they already are, but like sentient sentient. Is it now that much of a stretch of the imagination to believe that we can one day live in a future where cats can converse with us using only vocabulary that is limited to words that zero in on our personal fears and greatest insecurities?

“In the evening time, if you don’t drop whatever you’re doing and pay attention to him, he calls you ‘fuck prick’. If he really cracks the shits, he’ll piss in his drinking water just to let you know he’s really shitty.”

My God…What a Fuck Prick!

Mischief has to die before he influences other cats that have speaking skills lying dormant. Humans are already assholes. We don’t need to compete with the assholary of cats. They’re already the assholes of the domesticated pet kingdom.
We are living in frightening times indeed.