Taiwan Tells us What Really Happened with Tiger Woods

So there’s been some debate about whether Tiger Woods was just in a regular old car accident or if, you know, he got the crap kicked out of him by his wife and then ran into a fire hydrant trying to escape from her.  Officially he was charged with reckless driving and given a $164 ticket which we assume he’ll have to work overtime this week to pay for.  And no one has confirmed he banged some waitress or that his wife beats him, either on a regular basis or just once in a while.   Woods released a statement saying he has let his family down and has made some personal transgressions, which is a polite and coy way of saying that yes, he did bang another woman.  He just doesn’t want to say it.  But none of that matters.

We can speculate (even though we all know it’s true at this point) about what Tiger did or didn’t do.  And we can wonder if he was being chased down the street by a golf club wielding Swede, or we can turn to Taiwan.  Yes, the Taiwanese media are on their game today and they have put together a little video simulation of what might have happened.

The action starts 17 seconds into the video when a panicked and wide eyed policeman, possibly under threat from zombies, gets a phone call.  Tiger’s down, man!  He’s in the street.  He’s hurt.  Hurry the fuck up!

An enraged, honey blonde who looks curiously like Carmen Electra grits here teeth.  Dammit, man!  This is Tiger Woods!  Don’t you let him die!  KHAAANN!!!

She was in the house, admiring the wallpaper, when out of nowhere Tiger decided the vehicularly manslaughter that fire hydrant, then give a tree the same treatment.  Only the treat fought back.  Not a golf fan.

She raced to the scene and found Tiger passed out behind the wheel, then dragged himt o safety from the steaming car.

And stop – now we’re back to real life footage that sucks balls.

But wait!  At 0:56 the awesome starts again with a second scenario.  Looks like Carmen Electra and Tiger are fighting over some non-CG broad and you know how CG people hate internet-dimensional relationships.

Smack!  Tiger gets served, she rakes him across the face to teach him some manners.  He panics and flees the scene, but she ain’t done.  She’s armed, and chasing his SUV down the street.  Carmen means business.

As she smashes the rear of the car, Tiger takes it upon himself to calmly and for an unacceptably long period of time simply turn in his seat to watch.  Oops, fire hydrant!

Cut to more boring reality that no one cares about.  And we don’t need to care.  Because now we know.  Now we know.  Thanks, Taiwanese media!