For all her bus touring, for all her stump speeches at political rallies, for all her wink, winks and nudge, nudges during Fox News interviews as she’s framed by her bucolic Alaskan lake house, Sarah Palin announced yesterday that she is not – repeat, NOT – running for president in 2012.

Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, Sarah. Thanks a lot.

From the moment Barack Obama was elected president, Sarah Palin has been on the campaign trail, shaking hands, kissing babies, making America fear death panels. And now, all of a sudden, when the Republican Party could use her folksy weirdness the most, she calls it quits.

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Perusing Your Dreams,  Beseeking Your Hopes

Good afternoon!  Thank you for allowing me the honor of speaking at your graduation.  I hope to one day be in your shoes and have my own college gratuation someday.  Until then, this will have to do.

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This past weekend, the Republican Party gathered together for their annual Southern Republican Leadership Conference. With the dust only now settling, and with all the kegs having been thoroughly tapped, I think now is as good a time as any to share with you my experiences from this wild party of red state rebels.

What follows is a breakdown of all of my most exciting experiences from the one day I was able to attend the republican extravaganza.
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Science has been working around the clock for like two days now to crack the Leno code and today, finally, we have the answer:  Jay Leno despises you.  Why for, you ask?  Look at the list of shit he’s bringing with him on his triumphant return to late night.  Not only is he daring you to not watch his show, he’s daring the very concept of “interesting” to attempt to encroach on his turf.

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The strangest thing occurring in the US today is the support for Sarah Palin who, by all accounts, could probably get lost in her own bathroom.  There’s a word for people like Palin, one that gets bandied around colloquially, maybe even with a touch of insensitivity now and then.  What is it?  Oh yeah, retard.  Sarah Palin is retarded.

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The big news in pseudo-politics today is that pseudo-politician Sarah Palin, despite mocking Barack Obama for his desire to not look like an idiot by using Teleprompters during speeches, looked like an idiot by using her hand while having an actual face-to-face conversation.  Nothing beats cheating to answer “spontaneous” questions.  And if writing on your hand is good enough for a child, it’s probably good enough for the woman who is arguably America’s stupidest yet most popular politician.

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You know how you’ll see a bunch of commercials for a movie, but you never actually watch the movie? Then after a while you just assume that the movie had made it to DVD. But then you see a commercial for the DVD months after you thought that and you think, “Hm, I could have sworn it was already on DVD.”

That’s exactly what Sarah Palin signing a contract with Fox News is like.

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What happens when the family you’ve fucked your way in to turns their backs on you just so the head of the family can look better in the public eye in the hopes of one day becoming the first female president?

You strip down to your dong and have people take pictures of it for a magazine, that’s what.

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Christ, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sarah Palin is such a fucking rogue. She’s so rogue that she’s like 1,000 rogue. That wouldn’t make sense if it were anyone else, but it’s Sarah Palin; therefore, 1,000 rogue. She was rogue during the campaign when she came out in support for ignorance and stupidity, she was rogue when she ignored everything the McCain camp told her to do, and she was rogue when she started the whole “Death Panels” thing on her FaceBook page. (As a bit of a side note, “The Death Panels” is a great band name. No, fuck that, “The Death Palin’s” is even better). Sarah is so fucking rogue that even her memoir (aptly titled “Going Rogue”) is going rogue by being released November 17^th instead of the previously announced Spring 2010.

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