by Chuck Farnsworth, Host of the syndicated radio program,Totally Real Exposé

Last week, I had a chance to sit down with a big-time internet celebrity. Her name is Melissa Sander, and she was once an up-and-coming fluff-piece reporter for a local TV station called MyFox Atlanta. Then ‘it’ happened, and she was christened the ‘Grape Lady‘.

Alas, history does not record whether the impending disaster was signaled by an ill omen or augury. What we do know is that she was on a job that seemed like any other. Semblances, it would seem, were in this case misleading.

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Ah, the life of an underappreciated 3^rd rate college mascot. Oh, so dreadful. Not only are you at all times the most easily mocked person within 1,000 feet of the sporting event at hand, but if the apocalyptic shit were to hit the fan for whatever reason, you would be the one everyone eats first. The fact that most of the time you’re dressed like an animal doesn’t help much, either.

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Some pranks involve elaborate set ups with intricately plotted events and occurrences that lead to the triggering of an elegantly complex contraption, which infects the prank’s subject with small molecules of shame and embarrassment.

Others involve calling a guy in to a room, then hurting his dick. Hard. Hard dick hurting.

Today’s fail certainly falls in to the latter category.

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Allow me to add a new rule to the world of internet video making: unless you’re a professional with years of training under your belt, never, ever stream yourself live for the entire internet to see… unless you’re planning to do weird stuff to yourself with one hand, while using the other to type out winking emoticons to people in chat rooms after they tell you to cram fresh produce in to your birth canal.

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Is there much else that we can really add to what’s going on in this picture?  It’s a douchebag white kid, possibly a teen, maybe older, wearing a shirt that says “Black By Popular Demand.”  We get that it’s a funny play on words, and we’ve certainly heard the phrase before, except, historically, you need to be black to actually say it without being laughed out of the room.  And even then, it’s a tenuous situation at best.  But this kid?  This kid right here?  This kid deserves a swift beating.  Swift and severe.  And is that a turd in his ear?

Vote in the 2009 Urlies! (URLesque)

Honest HBO Warnings  (CollegeHumor)

Attention Millionaire Tree Huggers – Hybrid Yacht Sails 1000 Miles (BachelorGuy)

The Punisher’s Most Ridiculous Moments Ever  (ComicsAlliance)

Reason #5,090 To Never Get Into a Biplane (FoundryMusic)

Use the Loofa!  Shiny Suds are Pervs!  (DaveandThomas)

Homicidal Eye For the Single Guy - The Dexter Makeover Guide  (StreetLevel)

The Non-Idiot’s Guide to Twilight  (Heavy)

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Gamer Girl  (Asylum)

Intercourse With a Vampire…the Finale!  (Atom)

Kids Reenact the First Thanksgiving – Complete With Guns!  (Comedy.com)

US Senator Doesn’t Want Gays Stuffing It Down His Throat  (Guyism)

We usually reserve our videos of people failing miserably while trying to perform menial tasks for Fridays. But we already have a good video lined up for tomorrow, and this one was the runner up.

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Sure, people celebrate scoring in sports in all sorts of elaborate ways, but how many people have you seen celebrate by way of jumping through a plexiglass window?  One.  This guy.

Top 5 Songs About Having Sex With Robots (Heavy.com)

Little Ninja Girl (CollegeHumor)

This Is Why Jokes About Polish People Are So Easy (FoundryMusic)

Six Crazy Internet Money Making Ideas That Actually Worked (Gunaxin)

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Walken + Cartman + Gaga = Awesome (WarmingGlow)

Who Would Win a Unicorn vs. Narwhal Fight?  You Decide! (Atom)

10 Signs Your NFL Team Owner is Nuts (Comedy.com)

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So when I heard I was going to jail, I asked some of my buddies how I should handle it.  They were like, “the first thing you’ll want to do is prove yourself to the other inmates.  The best way to do that is find someone right away and kick their ass.”  But I decided to burst into tears instead.

Apparently, this total bad ass fired an air rifle at the window of a check cashing place.  When the police showed up, he fired at them too.  Then he went to jail, cried like a girl and is probably being raped as we speak.  Justice is served.  (TabloidProdigy)

30 Best Action Figures of the 80′s  (Gunaxin)

Budget Garage Door Opener Spoof  (DJMick)

Springsteen Says Good Evening to Ohio, In Michigan  (FoundryMusic)

Shaq Was a Doofus in High School  (BallHype)

5 Reasons Jon Gosselin Deserves His Own Reality Show  (TopCultured)

The Happiest Dog Ever  (DaveAndThomas)

100 Greatest Quotes From The Wire  (WarmingGlow)

Ninja Turtles and Reservoir Dogs Mash Up  (IHeartChaos)

Twilight STD Spoof  (Comedy.com)

Titans Owner Bud Adams Flips Off Bills Fans  (BannedInHollywood)

There are some fails in life that you can at least sympathize with, even if you can’t totally understand how or why they happened. When you see a fat girl dancing a top a table that looks like it can barely support the gravity pushing down on it, let alone the 450 pounds of gyrating beefy chunks hanging loose from every part of her anatomy, then yeah, you may not understand why the fat girl doesn’t realize that she’s huge, but you do understand the simple human need to damn on top of shit. When she falls, you laugh. But you laugh because you’ve probably done the same thing at some point in your life.

And then comes along a guy that slams his motorcycle head-first in to a wall.

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