Superhero in Argentina Pushes Van Off Train Tracks [video]

If you’ve never been to South America, you’re missing out.  South America is like North America, only everything there is extreme.  Brazilian waxing is from South America.  All children’s shows are about tits.  Their poverty puts North American to shame, their wildlife is like 10 times deadlier, their diseases are more insidious and they make a fuckton of cocaine.  And don’t doubt for a second that the people of South America are all badass.  Each and every one.  But especially this guy.

Did you see that shit?  That dude, by himself, pushes a van out of the way of a train and then just barely misses being dinged by the train himself.  Or so it seems.  In point of fact, had he not moved in time the train would have folded around him like tin foil around a fence post because that dude right there is Superman.

Our Buenos Aires correspondent got ahold of the local media and track this man down for an interview.  Unfortunately the whole thing was in Spanish and if it’s not on the Taco Bell menu, we don’t know it.  But he did provide us a timeline in the margins that was English and that’ll do for us.  Here’s what happens in a typical day of that man’s life.

6:00 am – Don’t wake up because he was never asleep.  Sleep is for the weak.

6:05 – Eat breakfast of iron, rawhide and whisky

6:30 – Bend steel, just because

7:00 – Hurl boulders at other boulders

9:00 – Travel back in time to punch Hitler in the nut, but don’t kill him because no man has the right to change the path of history

10:00 – Tend to flower garden.  On Mars.

11:00 – Thwart several bank robberies

12:00 – Have lunch with Shakespeare, who you brought back from the dead just to have lunch

1:00 – Have a ménage a vent with 20 South American super models until they all get tired

9:00 – Late supper with Jesus.  Yes, that Jesus.

10:00 – Make lightning

11:00 – Repel invasion of alien brain suckers

11:05 – Return to making lightning

12:00 – Drop kick a purse snatcher right across the ocean

12:05 – Back to the lightning

1:00 – Return to super models who have now all regained consciousness

6:00 – Begin again