Suck it, Future! We’ve Got JET PACKS Now!

Hey, future. It’s me. The past. I’m here to tell you that you can go to hell and burn for an eternity. Why? Because we thought you were going to bring us personal jet packs to zip around in and plummet to our inevitable deaths with, but no. You took too long. We got tired of waiting around for our jet packs, so we made them ourselves.

Oh, yeah.

That’s right.

We just made a jet pack that will be readily available to consumers for the price of $86,000. Granted, it runs on primitive gasoline and not the nuclear alien blood that you guys have, but we’re confident that we’ll be able to synthesize nuclear alien blood very, very soon. I mean, shit, we’ve already got sneakers with lights in the heals. How much further can nuclear alien blood be?

I bet you’re jealous now, huh, Future? Yeah, feeling all high and mighty with your intergalactic travel, your food cubes, your A.I. blowjob contraptions, your pig-cow hybrids that are used to make the greatest burger within the known portions of the Milky Way galaxy, and your shitty world peace and economic stability. All that crap is officially rendered moot now that we have a device that makes people look like they’re being airlifted out of Sears with two washing machines strapped to their backs.

Yeah, sure. No one can afford an $86,000 jet pack, even though IT’S A DAMN JET PACK. No one has a use for it. We in the past are the kind of people that buy treadmills then fold them under our beds and feel like we’ve done some good work. We don’t have your constant need to want everything to have a “function.” We don’t have your need to “use” things “wisely.” In the past, we’ve got reputations to protect, and there’s no better way to protect reputations than by building and selling totally functional jet packs that no one will use.

Eventually, Future, you’re present will be our present. At that time, we’ll probably be just like you. I mean, we would have to be, right? That’s how that whole space/time thing works, I think. By then, yeah, we’ll have and we’ll be all of those things I just mentioned about you. We’ll be kind and loving and we’ll be thirsty for knowledge about our neighboring star systems. But, until then, we’ll be perfectly content with not waiting for you to come. We’ll build our own glorious future…then we’ll make it really expensive and just let poor people stare at it from afar as they wonder “is that shit even necessary?”