Study Confirms That You Are Wasting Your Time On The Internet

I don’t need no damned studies to let me know that most people aren’t doing anything constructive with their time when using the internet. All I have to do is look at FunnyCrave’s traffic numbers and know that many, many people waste their precious time reading and commenting on bullshit that I and my staff writers cobble together from trending news topics and our collective stockpile of stale dick jokes and poop references. But researchers gone ahead and have conducted such research anyway, so I might as well write an article about this trending news topic, and perhaps even sprinkle it with a nice coating of dick jokes and poop references.

The Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project, an organization I will never type the name of and will always copy and paste when I need to put it in to an article, conducted a survey and found that 53% of 19 to 29 year-olds spend their time online doing nothing of importance. This, of course, can be attributed to the fact that whippersnappers don’t have an appreciation for the high-falutin techno flim-flammary they use on a daily basis.

This is opposed to the 12% of people over 65 that say they had been online the previous day for no reason, but they said that because they got confused and thought they were being asked if they had waited in a line for anything. Their answers reflect this, as most replied with “Yes, at the bank. And at the place where I buy my butterscotch candy.”

Overall, though, a majority of people that go online have no reason to be online, as almost 60% of adults said they occasionally used the internet to kill time and to be unproductive. The results tended to correspond with age, so the younger a respondent was, the more inclined they were to wasting time on the internet.

Seeing as the internet will be here for the rest of humanity’s days, I think it’s safe to say that as the younger generations get older, they, too, will be using the internet to waste time more and more. But the manner in which they choose to waste time will change. Today the whippersnappers dillydally on the Youtubes and the facebooks while Tweeting pictures of their danglers and hoo-has to each other. By the time today’s young folk are in their 50s and 60s, though, their internet habits will change from Youtubeing and Facebooking their hoo-has and danglers to WebMD’ing illnesses to make sure their whoo-has and danglers aren’t dying and Tweeting pictures of them to get everyone’s opinion.

“How’s my dangler looking? #doesthislookinfected??”