STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!: A Letter to Octomom and Jon Gosselin

Dear Octomom and Jon Gosselin,

For the love of all that is sacred and intelligent, DO NOT DATE EACH OTHER OR, HEAVEN FORBID, HAVE SEX. The results have the potential to be disastrous.

I say this in response to Octomom’s recent interview with Radaroline.com in which she stated, ““I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin.” Now, there’s no reason you two shouldn’t be happy while living the sideshow freak-like lives that you already lead. If you want to find a new host to latch your parasitic fangs in to, then by all means, find them. Just don’t do it with each other. I know, I know, it’s waaay too early to be saying such things. It’s just one harmless little quote in a tabloid website. But, still, I feel I must come out and say something before Octomom’s super- uterus comes face-to-face with Jon’s mega-sperm.

The world doesn’t need 20 more trashy babies gracing the covers of Us Weekly’s in supermarkets all over the country. All you guys would be doing is adding more children in to a world that hates the children you have already spawned on your own. There’s no need to bring these two mighty forces of terrible parenting together. I mean, the chances of at least 4 of each of your kids growing up to be drug addicts, or alcoholics, or prostitutes is already through the roof. There has to be at least one kid in the bunch that will one day realize that he never got enough hugs, or never got enough pictures in a magazine, which will eventually lead him to lighting up an Arby’s with a MAC-11. We all know that day is coming, let’s not add more of that day.

Also, Octomom. Your pussy might fall out. I know, I know, again, it’s just one quote. But, Christ! Can you imagine giving the 12 kids wedged in your cooter a powerful push, only to hear the unmistakable sound of 12 babies hitting the floor followed by the even more unmistakable sound of every organ that makes up the female reproductive system sloppily falling atop your hell spawn? The pain would be unbearable. Also, it would make for some horrifying television because you would have probably invited the TLC and E! people in to the delivery room. You don’t want your vagina exploding to be a YouTube sensation…unless you actually do. If you do, that only further supports my case.

In closing, I would just like to say stop it. Stop it right now, guys. The two of you should never meet because if you did you’d both quickly realize that you both share the same love for lowering the collective IQ of America. The two of you coming to together in a bedroom with the intention of sexing each other’s sex parts may cause some kind of white trash singularity that the universe may never recover from.