Stand Between a Man and His Cheap Burritos, You Will Be Shot At With a BB GunBy Luis Prada
We can all agree that there’s nothing funny about a man entering a building full of people and opening fire on them out of some misplaced sense of rage – -as if murdering innocents will somehow alleviate his madness and deep psychosis.
But when a guy starts shooting people with a BB gun in a Taco Bell because the burritos he usually orders are 50 cents more expensive than they usually are, that’s just funny, and that’s exactly what happened this weekend in a San Antonio-area Taco Bell.
Ricardo Jones stopped off at his local Taco Bell for his usual Beefy Crunch burritos. The burritos, which had previously been priced at a very affordable 99 cents, had been marked up to $1.49. It turns out the 99 cent price tag was only a promotional price. Jones, enraged that the price for a low quality burrito had skyrocketed to the still very low price of $1.49, lost his mind and pulled out a gun and began to open fire. The thing is, the gun was a BB gun. In the words of one of the managers of the Taco Bell, Jones “pointed a gun at me, and he fired it. I leaned to the side and there was a pop but nothing happened.”
All sound and no fury.
Jones, who was ordering via drive-thru, pulled out an assault rifle and laid it on the roof of his car. He later made his way to his motel room, where, after a three hour standoff with police, was tear gassed and arrested.
Now, this story speaks volumes on a subject, I just don’t know which one it is. This burrito-centric rampage could be a shining example of how desperately cash-strapped Americans are in the wake of the financial crisis. It could mean that Americans are so over-weight and junk food obsessed that we are willing to kill others to protect our freedom to consume competitively priced garbage. It could mean that we are such a gun-happy people that we will threaten gun violence over menial, completely inconsequential issues.
Or, it could mean what it actually means: this guy is a burrito-loving maniac that probably has some intense bowl issues that have driven him to a state of mental breakdown. Jones reportedly was not trying to order just one or two burritos, but 7 of them. Reports do not indicate that someone was in Jones’ motel room where he was eventually arrested, so I can only assume Jones’ regularly ate 7 burritos; thus creating a swirling vortex of searing fecal fury in his bowels. A fury so intense that he upon hearing the news of the burrito price hike he went in to a white-hot bean and cheese rage that could have abruptly ended lives.
We can only hope that Jones enters a burrito detox program to purge his intestinal tract of the wicked burrito menace that soiled his mind just as much as it probably soils his underwear.
Keep in mind, Jones did all of this over a beef burrito filled with Frito tortilla chips. Lord knows what he would have done had it been filled with Twinkies and deep fried Oreos.