Stacy Parker Aab was Sexed and Re-Sexed by Bill Clinton

Today, Stacy Parker Aab is lucky to be alive and not in possession of a heinously prolapsed colon, no thanks to Bill Clinton.  The former White House something or other worked in the Clinton administration and had to endure sexual chicanery that you won’t even experience at a donkey show in Tijuana when you pay extra.  To this day she can’t even look at a fire house without having some kind of a fit.

According to a new book, cleverly being released 9 years after the fact, Aab says when she worked for Clinton, one night he invited her out onto the balcony at a hotel and hugged her.  This is the part in the story when most people simultaneously shit and vomit pure, liquid-hot rage at the same time, effectively turning their bodies into a giant meat sprinkler of foul-smelling indignant effluence.

Aab says the hug lingered too long to be paternal and she was terrified of where it might lead.  And FunnyCrave will not stand for this kind of terror!  We will, however, detail just where this could have lead, in a bulleted list.  Change your shorts and get ready to find out the horror of where that hug could have gone next!

• Cheek pinching!
• A rousing game of “I’ve got your nose!”
• Pulling a quarter out from behind her ear!
• Putting his hands together and pretending to pull his own thumb off!
• Cigar sodomy!
• Knee bouncing!
• $5 in a card at Christmas!
• Marking how tall she’s gotten on the wall next to a doorway!
• Tousling her hair!
• Giving her a butterscotch candy!

As you can see, Aab had been raped, if not physically, then at least mentally.  Hopefully the money she makes off of selling this book to idiots will help ease her way into therapy so she can go back to being a productive member of society and put these myriad of holocaust-level atrocities behind her.  Godspeed, Ms. Aab.  You silly douche.