Sony is Racist
By Ian Fortey
Hey fatty, go be fat!
That’s right, Sony is racist. Racist against fatties. By the end of September the new PS3 will be on shelves. It’s going to cost $299, it’s going to be 33 percent smaller, 36 percent lighter and use 34 percent less power. And it’s going to slap John Goodman in the face. And Rosie O Donnell too, but it’s cool because she probably deserves it. And every child in Britain. And America. And Canada. And pretty much any country that has access to McDonald’s which the media tells us is just roly poly with obese people. Because they are racist!
The new PS3 is supposed to be some sort of new marketing ploy to get those people who were smart enough not to waste $500 on it when it first came out and so on and so forth, but we all know the real score here. Sony did the same thing with the PS2 back in the day. They introduced the cozy, relatable model at a high price to gain our trust and then bang! A cheaper version that’s far slimmer, because skinny is superior and if you’re fat you’re a burden on our resources and should therefore have to pay more. And it’s rumored that the fat systems sweat like 50% more than the skinny ones. But why would that be if they’re just machines? Why would a machine even sweat? Why can’t the old PS3 see its penis in the shower? Why won’t my ex return its phone calls? Sony, there are a lot of questions and not many answers.
Heroic television shows like More to Love can only go so far towards convincing us all that big is beautiful, especially when faced with the nefarious and underhanded tactics of companies like Sony. Rumor has it Sony has a whole cabbage patch of new games being released with the slim PS3 including God of War: I Hate Fatties and Final Fantasy XIII: The Cellulite Ragnarok.
As internet comedians, the crew at FunnyCrave are required to weigh at least 700lbs collectively (or else we lose our bacon bonus) so this issue hits close to home. For shame, Sony. For shame.
